Cultures that Bully Speak Death, Not Life

Cultures that Bully Speak Death,

Not Life

Bullying Kills Personally, Psychologically,

Spiritually, and Culturally.

by R.E. Slater & ChatGPT

To seek to harm, intimidate, or coerce someone perceived as vulnerable.

Growing up I experienced a number of parental mistakes. One of them was being labelled and belittled. It hurt and affected the image of myself. It did not bring out my potential. It made me feel worthless. My identity was held in the verbal abuse of another. It was unfair and unloving. It made angry to be called names and be told things which were untrue of myself.

I feel the same way today when listening to politicians and preachers lie and condemn their voting base or congregations. I feel we, as a maturing society, are unwise to follow the advice of bullies or to allow bullies to destroy the lives of those they do not love nor care for.

Culturally, it is a sickness which speaks death, not life. It misrepresents and intentionally (if not pathologically) lies in order to build up the speakers of untruth, hate, division, and death.

My response then, as now, is to educate myself about bullying. To identify it immediately. To resist it by talking openly and frequently about it. To seek out life-birthing habits, thoughts, and experiences in life. To build self-confidence through accomplishments and awareness. To befriend those around me who are encouragers, who are honest, and who can naturally love. And to let my life move towards love, loving speech, thoughts and actions, rather than participate or perpetuate in the continuance of any forms of death.

It is hard. It feels unnatural. It is difficult.... and it is a daily task. The psycho-social and emotional wounds are there. Though the scars are healed, and wounds less easily opened, my internal radars are always on the alert, standing high and tall, listening for the deeply unfair  and harmful toxicity flowing from the lips of bullies speaking their daily deathly acts of intimidation, abuse, harassment, thuggery, heckling, mocking, teasing, baiting, taunting, and hate upon the lives of others.

The bully's words and acts are unwanted. Together, let us learn to say, "Stop!" Your assessments are worthless as are your words and actions. "Go Away." When you have something worth listening to then come back... And when you come back, "Learn to speak life, not death." Otherwise, it is our turn to talk, to build, to enliven. Not yours.

Peace and Love,

R.E. Slater

August 14, 2025

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by R.E. Slater & ChatGPT

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Quotes to Live By

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Kindness & Empathy

Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. – Plato
There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up – John Holmes
Strong people stand up from themselves. But the strongest people stand up for others. – Unknown
Each of us deserves the freedom to pursue our own version of happiness. No one deserves to be bullied. – Barack Obama
You will never reach higher ground if you are always pushing others down. – Jeffrey Benjamin

Courage & Integrity

Wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it. Right is right even if no one is doing it. – St. Augustine
I would rather be a little nobody, than to be a evil somebody. – Abraham Lincoln
Knowing what’s right doesn’t mean much unless you do what’s right. – Theodore Roosevelt
The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority. – Ralph W. Sockman
True courage is cool and calm. The bravest of men have the least of a brutal, bullying insolence, and in the very time of danger are found the most serene and free. – Lord Shaftesbury
Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying ‘I will try again tomorrow. – Mary Anne Radmacher
One person can make a difference, and everyone should try. – John F. Kennedy

Self-Worth & Identity

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. – Judy Garland
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. – Eleanor Roosevelt
Don’t you ever let a soul in the world tell you that you can’t be exactly who you are. – Lady Gaga
It is our choices…that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities – J. K. Rowling
For me, I am driven by two main philosophies: know more today about the world than I knew yesterday and lessen the suffering of others. You’d be surprised how far that gets you. – Neil deGrasse Tyson
We are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided. – Albus Dumbledore

Hope & Resilience

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise again. – Victor Hugo
No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true. – Cinderella
Often when you think you’re at the end of something, you’re at the beginning of something else. – Mr. Rogers
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. – Martin Luther King, Jr.
You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength. – Marcus Aurelius

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Types of Bullying

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Three types of bullying

Verbal bullying is saying or writing mean things:

• Teasing
• Name-calling
• Inappropriate sexual comments
• Taunting
• Threatening to cause harm

Social or Relational bullying, Involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships:

• Leaving someone out on purpose
• Telling other children not to be friends with someone
• Spreading rumors about someone
• Embarrassing someone in public

Physical bullying involves hurting a person’s body or possessions. It includes:

• Hitting/kicking/pinching
• Spitting
• Tripping/pushing
• Taking or breaking someone’s things
• Making mean or rude hand gestures

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Identifying Bullying

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1. Personal Bullying

Definition:

Bullying on a personal level is the intentional use of power, dominance, or manipulation by an individual to harm, intimidate, or control another person. It often targets someone’s vulnerabilities—appearance, abilities, beliefs, identity, or perceived weaknesses.

Key Traits:

• Direct harm: Name-calling, ridicule, physical aggression, exclusion.

• Indirect harm: Spreading rumors, undermining reputations, subtle exclusion.

• Goal: Diminish self-worth and silence dissent or individuality.

Impact:

Erodes confidence, fosters isolation, and disrupts a person’s ability to live authentically.

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2. Psychological Bullying

Definition:

A sustained pattern of mental and emotional manipulation designed to create self-doubt, dependence, and fear in the victim. It operates on the inner life—thoughts, emotions, and perceptions—rather than overt physical acts.

Key Traits:

• Gaslighting (making someone doubt their own reality).

• Withholding affection or approval to control behavior.

• Creating a sense of helplessness or inevitability of the abuse.

• Constant criticism disguised as “concern” or “help.”

Impact:

Internalizes shame, damages self-trust, and may cause anxiety, depression, or long-term trauma.

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3. Spiritual Bullying

Definition:

The misuse of spiritual or religious authority to coerce, control, or shame individuals into conformity, obedience, or silence. It replaces authentic faith and love with fear, judgment, and control.

Key Traits:

• Declaring divine disapproval for nonconformity.

• Using sacred texts as weapons rather than as sources of life.

• Elevating leaders’ authority above communal discernment.

• Equating questioning with rebellion against God.

Impact:

Severs the person’s sense of divine love, distorts their image of God, and stifles spiritual growth.

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4. Cultural Bullying

Definition:

When societal systems, traditions, or norms perpetuate power imbalances, marginalization, or harm against certain groups. This form of bullying is systemic, embedded in cultural narratives, and normalized through collective behavior.

Key Traits:

• Institutionalized discrimination (racism, sexism, classism, ableism, homophobia).

• Media stereotyping and public shaming of targeted groups.

• Erasure of cultural histories or suppression of languages and customs.

• Penalizing dissent or whistleblowing.

Impact:

Silences cultural voices, enforces social hierarchies, and normalizes injustice as “tradition” or “common sense.”

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Core Thread Across All Forms

Cultures that bully—whether on the personal, psychological, spiritual, or cultural level—speak death, not life by:

• Suppressing the voice and agency of others.

• Replacing dignity with shame.

• Trading empathy for dominance.

• Breaking relational trust.

In contrast, life-giving cultures speak life by:

• Valuing the image of God (or inherent worth) in every person.

• Encouraging diverse voices and perspectives.

• Practicing restorative justice and compassionate truth-telling.

• Promoting mutual flourishing over dominance.

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Why all forms of bullying are anti-life and why relational, life-giving cultures are essential for human and cosmic flourishing.

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Process-Theological Framework

1. Bullying as Anti-Process

In Whiteheadian process thought, life is an unfolding web of relationships where each moment (actual occasion) builds upon the possibilities offered by God and others. Bullying distorts this dynamic by:

• Reducing possibilities instead of expanding them.

• Replacing creative advance with stagnation or regression.

• Disrupting mutual becoming by silencing or injuring another’s voice.

Bullying is not merely moral failure - it is metaphysical sabotage, choking the flow of novelty and mutual enrichment.

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2. Life-Giving Cultures as Co-Creators

Process theology views humanity as co-creators with God in the ongoing shaping of the world. Life-giving cultures:

• Amplifies the divine lure toward beauty, truth, and goodness.

• Increases the range of potential futures for individuals and communities.

• Fosters reciprocity - each member contributes to, and receives from, communal well-being.

In this view, a culture that speaks life is a culture that cooperates with God’s creative aim.

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3. Why Bullying Speaks Death

Biblically and theologically, death in process terms is not only physical cessation but the cutting off of potential, the destruction of relational wholeness. Bullying does this by:

• Stunting growth—psychological, spiritual, and social.

• Turning relational networks into systems of dominance.

• Filling the shared world with fear rather than trust.

In process theology, such "deathly" acts do not align with God's divine lure but with  personal, relational, and cultural disintegration, making them inherently anti-life.

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4. The Divine Counter-Movement

In process thought, God is the ever-present lure toward richer possibilities, even in the wake of harm. Against the cultures that bully, God’s call is:

• To restore broken relations through healing dialogue and justice.

• To create safe spaces for vulnerable voices to flourish.

• To turn wounds into new sources of compassion, widening the community’s capacity for empathy.

This is not “forgive and forget” but redeem and transform—a continual process of co-authoring better futures.

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5. Cultural Transformation as a Processual Mandate

Cultures can repent - not in the punitive sense, but in the processual sense of reorienting their trajectory. To move from death-speaking to life-speaking cultures:

• Name the harm in personal, psychological, spiritual, and cultural dimensions.

• Refuse to normalize dominance as tradition or necessity.

• Enact restorative practices that expand, rather than constrict, communal possibilities.

• Embed empathy in structures—education, governance, religion—so that care is systemic, not accidental.

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Conclusion

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In process theology, bullying is a rejection of the divine invitation toward beauty, relationality, and mutual becoming. Life-giving cultures accept that invitation, choosing to speak words and create structures that enhance possibility for all.

To speak life is to participate in God’s ongoing creation, where the aim is not control but co-flourishing, not silencing but amplifying, not death but ever-deepening life.

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Addendum

Wikipedia - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bullying

Bullying is the use of force, coercion, hurtful teasing, comments, or threats, in order to abuse, aggressively dominate, or intimidate one or more others. The behavior is often repeated and habitual. One essential prerequisite is the perception (by the bully or by others) that an imbalance of physical or social power exists or is currently present. This perceived presence of physical or social imbalance is what distinguishes the behavior from being interpreted or perceived as bullying from instead being interpreted or perceived as conflict. Bullying is a subcategory of aggressive behavior characterized by hostile intent, the goal (whether consciously or subconsciously) of addressing or attempting to "fix" the imbalance of power, as well as repetition over a period of time.

Bullying can be performed individually or by a group, typically referred to as mobbing, in which the bully may have one or more followers who are willing to assist the primary bully or who reinforce the bully's behavior by providing positive feedback such as laughing. Bullying in school and in the workplace is also referred to as "peer abuse". Robert W. Fuller has analyzed bullying in the context of rankism. The Swedish-Norwegian researcher Dan Olweus stated that bullying occurs when a person is "exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons", and that negative actions occur "when a person intentionally inflicts injury or discomfort upon another person, through physical contact, through words or in other ways". Individual bullying is usually characterized by a person using coercive, intimidating, or hurtful words or comments, exerting threatening or intimidating behavior, or using harmful physical force in order to gain power over another person.

A bullying culture can develop in any context in which humans regularly interact with one another. This may include settings such as within a school, family, or the workplace, the home, and within neighborhoods. When bullying occurs in college and university settings, the practice is known as ragging in certain countries, especially those of the Indian subcontinent. The main platform for bullying in contemporary culture involves the use of social media websites. In a 2012 study of male adolescent American football players, "the strongest predictor [of bullying] was the perception of whether the most influential male in a player's life would approve of the bullying behavior." A study by The Lancet Child & Adolescent Health medical journal in 2019 showed a relationship between social media use by adolescent girls and an increase in their exposure to bullying.

Bullying may be defined in many different ways. In the United Kingdom, there is no legal definition of the term "bullying", while some states in the United States currently have laws specifically against it. Bullying is divided into four basic types of abuse: psychological (sometimes referred to as "emotional" or "relational"), verbal, physical, and cyber (or "electronic"), though an encounter can fall into more than one of these categories.

Behaviors used to assert such domination may include physical assault or coercion, verbal harassment, or the use of threats, and such acts may be directed repeatedly toward particular targets. Rationalizations of such behavior sometimes include differences of social class, race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, appearance, behavior, body language, personality, reputation, lineage, strength, size, or ability.

What Are the Signs of True Faith in Your Children?

What Are the Signs of True Faith

in Your Children?

https://www.ibelieve.com/motherhood/signs-of-true-faith-in-your-children.html

Meg Bucher, Writer and Author

Feb 01, 2021

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control; against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23)

My 10 year old threw one arm around her momma and the other in the air as we sang our favorite worship song. Real faith moves. She had been bullied to her breaking point, and it led her to straight to Jesus. I love that memory fiercely, but I hold it loosely. Transformation is ongoing for all of us – every journey littered with highs and lows.

I still consider myself a parenting rookie. Raising kids drives me to my knees in prayer more than I could have ever understood it would when my babies were just babies. In our society, we talk a lot about self-care. My parenting self-care strategy is to get quiet with Jesus. The more time I make to faithfully seek Him, the more He prepares me to survive another day of motherhood. “A Christ-centered life begins with realizing that the source of everything we are is the Lord,” Paul Tripp explains. “He created us, he owns us, he gifted us with talents, he authors our story, and every blessing that we receive comes from him.”

Christ-centered lives parent from a place of humble submission instead of pride and authority. God has placed us purposefully to parent the particular children we are raising. He intimately knows and has purposefully designed us and them. Raising children to be Christ-centered in a world waving a self-centered banner is hard, but not impossible. Through the power of Christ in us, let’s pray our children see what it’s like to live a Christ centered life, and choose to live that way as well.

Photo Credit: © Getty Images/myshkovsky

A Prayer for Seeing True Faith

in Your Children

Father,

Today as we talk about signs of our children’s faith, we ask You to provide clarity and encouragement. We are imperfect people, and our children are imperfect too. There are bound to be clashes of character and will, disagreement and misunderstandings. Parenting is challenging. Growing up is challenging. Meet us, and our children, in our challenges daily, Father. May we be slow to speak when we want to snap, and patient when we’re rushing to be on time. Let us lean into Your timing, Your plans, Your ways, and Your will, Father.

We pray our children would honor and obey us, so they receive Your full blessing! And we pray for You to equip and guide us to lead them in Your Truth, to live Your Truth out each day, and to love others the way You command. Let our lives bring glory and honor to You. May we be the biggest witness for our children. Let our lives, imperfect and messy, but faithful and honest, be signs of our faith to them.

Father, You reign sovereign over all. Parenting can make us feel frantically out of control. Bless and uphold us. Calm our hearts, and continue to minister to the anxieties of our hearts as we lift them up to You. Thank You for Your compassionate care for us, Lord Jesus. We pray in Your powerful name,

Amen.

The illusion of perfection is something we need to release into the hands of our heavenly Father. Perfect kids and easy parenting are no one’s reality. God is faithful to remind us of His faithful pursuit of our children, regardless of our messy human nature, and the sin that so easily entangles all of us. Through mistakes, mess-ups, groundings, misunderstandings, long-winded lectures, disagreements, sassiness, and drama, God is faithful and good. I have watched my children grow in their faith as the teen years creep in to our reality, and I see the work of Jesus shining through them in the following ways.

Photo Credit: © Getty Images/Michael Truelove

1. The Way They Treat or Serve Others

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

Every time we drive by sirens and flashing lights, my youngest drops her head to pray. True faith has an instinctual reaction to pray for others. Aloud, she lifts up perfect strangers, and close family and friends. Christ-centered lives face outward.

Following Jesus allows us to see others as He sees them. Christ commanded us to love God, and love each other. True faith shows up for the kid sitting alone at the lunch table, or stands up for the one being bullied. Out of empathy gained from each unique situation, true faith activates each lesson learned to reach out in love and encouragement for someone going through what they have gone through.

Kindness to siblings and friends is a sign of faith in action. Encouraging others, finding common interests with new friends seated next to them in class, and asking for prayer on account of others is a sign of true faith. The way we treat others puts the true nature of our hearts center-stage.

The apostle Mark wrote, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). Christ-centered lives seek to serve others. Children may ask to donate to the local food bank or food drive at church or school, drop off outgrown clothes or pass them on to friends or family in need. Often the things our children struggle with and overcome through Christ will be the very conduits for change He will use them in for the same situation in another’s life. As children grow older, their concerns grow deeper alongside the issues they work through themselves. Being the new kid at school lends empathy for other newbies as they arrive, and having been the victim of bullying allows a deeper and more compassionate perspective to lead the kindness movement among their peers.

Photo Credit: © Getty Images/omgimages

2. Confidence Rooted in Christ

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.” (Jeremiah 17:7)

Confidence in Christ is a humble submission and commitment to work hard with the talents and gifts God has given us. Everything we do is meant to glorify Him. True faith is hard-working, and gives glory to God. We live in a world that encourages self-love. Pride can deceitfully creep into our children’s consciousness, not only recognizable by arrogance, but in reverse as they put themselves down and count themselves out. Godly confidence is humble, hard working, and God-honoring. True faith chooses to believe the truth about who God says we are, rather than believe self-destructive lies.

The apostle John recorded these words of Jesus: “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love” (John 15:9). When children ask for wisdom, that’s our queue to bring God’s truth into their situation. Faithfully, when they are obedient to listen and apply His word to what they're walking through, they learn where to come back again next time. Loving people sounds easy until all the spots at the lunch table fill up and loneliness sets in. It’s easy to be bitter when left out and feeling lonely, instead of looking around to see who God has placed in their lives. It’s also easy to forget about the lonely when seated at a table full of friends. On both sides of the table, those with true faith choose to allow the love and peace of Christ to guide them.

Psalm 119:103 reads, “How sweet your words taste to me; they are sweeter than honey.” Craving God’s word, whether it means pouring through the Bible themselves or asking us for more of His wisdom, is a sign of true faith. Paul wrote to the Thessalonians, “pray without ceasing” (2 Thessalonians 5:17). Let me assure you, nothing is too trivial for a junior high girl to pray about! Our children, no matter what age, will learn to turn not only to us, but to God in prayer when they or those they know need help or healing. True faith produces continual and conversational prayer, bookended only by sleeping and rising. As we all grow in our faith, we learn to stay tuned to our Savior, always.

Photo Credit: © Unsplash/Ben White

Being Loved - "Things Someone Who Loved You Should Have Told You"

Things Someone Who Loved You Should Have Told You

http://johnpavlovitz.com/2016/02/01/things-someone-who-loved-you-should-have-told-you/

by John Pavlovitz

February 1, 2016

Words can do incredible damage, but they can’t hold a candle to silence.

Often it is those words that have been withheld which leave the greatest scars upon us. It is in that terrible absence that we are dealt the harshest blow by those who claim to love us.

Somewhere along the line you were denied something you needed to live; something destination-altering and hope-giving that you deserved.

At some point on your path, someone should have encouraged you, but refrained.

• They should have defended you, but did not.
• They should have released you, but chose not to.
• They should have said something—instead of nothing.

Someone should have told you that you were beautiful far beneath the surface, so that you didn’t grow up believing that you were defined by your waistline or by the scale or by the affection of someone else who may have cared far too little for you.

Someone should have told you that you were more than your worst mistake, so that you weren’t still imprisoned there in the spot of that momentary failure so long after it; still stuck trying to undo something that could never be undone and believing it made you less than.

Someone should have told you that God was not angry with you, so that your faith was allowed safe passage to grow and fearlessly move toward the One who made you and adores you without caveat or condition; the One who delights in you as you are.

Someone should have told you that it wasn’t your fault, so that you were relieved of the wasteful, crushing burden of what you were never meant to carry or deserve to still be saddled with; all the guilt and regret that unfairly declare you culpable.

Someone should have told you that you were a bona-fide, freakin’ miracle; a once in history collection of atoms and color and sound, so that you never doubted for a second your inherent worth, and the beautiful mark you’ve made in the places where your feet have landed.

Someone should have told you that you were forgiven, so that you didn’t cling to a vicious grudge against yourself which pronounced you dirty; so you were not tried for the same crime again and again in the court of your own head.

Someone should have told you that your sadness wasn’t a sickness, so you could have allowed yourself to grieve fully; to feel and speak the depth and breadth of your pain, instead of daily burying it beneath a brittle facade of okayness and pretending you weren’t devastated.

Someone should have told you that your best was good enough; that the honest desires of your heart and the diligent work of your hands regardless of the results, made your efforts successful. If they had, you may not have felt failure in anything less than perfection.

Someone should have told you that you were not what people said you were. That might have emancipated you from the expectations of a million voices judging you from a distance, which you believed as gospel. You might have found your identity independent of the shouts from the crowd or the cutting words of the critics.

Someone should have told you that you were loved as you were; not because of anything you did or won or achieved or made, but simply because you were lovable. It may have saved you from so restlessly striving to earn what you already deserved.

I can’t undo the brutal omissions you endured in the past, or the time you’ve squandered or the peace you’ve surrendered as a result.

I can only give you these words now, as a firm and steady spot to plant your foot and pivot as you begin again down another road, one with far fewer demons hiding in the shadows to ambush you.

So stop to listen to the whisper in your ear, that breaks the long and heavy silence and says that you are free. Feel the lightness that only love brings.

Somewhere along the road someone close to you should have told you all this, but they didn’t.

So I am telling you.

Be encouraged.

- JP

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/loved_2.html

Parenting Strong Willed Children

Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child

http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child

Have a strong-willed child? You're lucky! Strong willed children can be a challenge when they’re young, but if sensitively parented, they become terrific teens and young adults. Self-motivated and inner-directed, they go after what they want and are almost impervious to peer pressure. As long as parents resist the impulse to "break their will," strong-willed kids often become leaders.

What exactly is a strong-willed child? Some parents call them "difficult" or “stubborn,” but we could also see strong-willed kids as people of integrity who aren’t easily swayed from their own viewpoints. Strong-willed kids are spirited and courageous. They want to learn things for themselves rather than accepting what others say, so they test the limits over and over. They want desperately to be "in charge" of themselves, and will sometimes put their desire to "be right" above everything else. When their heart is set on something, their brains seem to have a hard time switching gears. Strong-willed kids have big, passionate feelings and live at full throttle.

Often, strong-willed kids are prone to power-struggles with their parents. However, it takes two to have a power struggle. You don't have to attend every argument to which you're invited! If you can take a deep breath when your buttons get pushed, and remind yourself that you can let your child save face and still get what you want, you can learn to sidestep those power struggles. (Don't let your four year old make you act like a four year old yourself!)

No one likes being told what to do, but strong-willed kids find it unbearable. Parents can avoid power struggles by helping the child feel understood even as the parent sets limits. Try empathizing, giving choices, and understanding that respect goes both ways. Looking for win/win solutions rather than just laying down the law keeps strong-willed children from becoming explosive and teaches them essential skills of negotiation and compromise.

Strong-willed kids aren't just being difficult. They feel their integrity is compromised if they're forced to submit to another person's will. If they're allowed to choose, they love to cooperate. If this bothers you because you think obedience is an important quality, I'd ask you to reconsider. Of course you want to raise a responsible, considerate, cooperative child who does the right thing, even when it's hard. But that doesn't imply obedience. That implies doing the right thing because you want to. Morality is doing what's right, no matter what you're told. Obedience is doing what you're told, no matter what's right.

So of course you want your child to do what you say. But not because he's obedient, meaning that he always does what someone bigger tells him to do. No, you want him to do what you say because he trusts YOU, because he's learned that even though you can't always say yes to what he wants, you have his best interests at heart. You want to raise a child who has self-discipline, takes responsibility, and is considerate -- and most important, has the discernment to figure out who to trust and when to be influenced by someone else.

Breaking a child's will leaves him open to the influence of others who often will not serve his highest interests. What's more, it's a betrayal of the spiritual contract we make as parents.

That said, strong-willed kids can be a handful -- high energy, challenging, persistent. How do we protect those fabulous qualities and encourage their cooperation?

Ten Tips for Positive Parenting

Your Strong-Willed, Spirited Child

1. Avoid power struggles by using routines and rules.

That way, you aren't the bad guy bossing them around, it’s just that:

"The rule is we use the potty after every meal and snack," or "The schedule is that lights-out is

at 8pm. If you hurry, we’ll have time for two books," or "In our house, we finish homework

before screen time."

2. Remember that strong-willed kids are experiential learners.

That means they have to see for themselves if the stove is hot. So unless you're worried about serious injury, it's more effective to let them learn through experience, instead of trying to control them. And you can expect your strong-willed child to test your limits repeatedly--that's how he learns. Once you know that, it's easier to stay calm, which avoids wear and tear on your relationship--and your nerves.

3. Your strong-willed child wants mastery more than anything.

Let her take charge of as many of her own activities as possible. Don’t nag at her to brush her teeth; ask “What else do you need to do before we leave?” If she looks blank, tick off the short list: “Every morning we eat, brush teeth, use the toilet, and pack the backpack. I saw you pack your backpack, that's terrific! Now, what do you still need to do before we leave?” Kids who feel more independent and in charge of themselves will have less need to be oppositional. Not to mention, they take responsibility early.

4. Give your strong-willed child choices.

If you give orders, he will almost certainly bristle. If you offer a choice, he feels like the master of his own destiny. Of course, only offer choices you can live with and don’t let yourself get resentful by handing away your power. If going to the store is non-negotiable and he wants to keep playing, an appropriate choice is:

"Do you want to leave now or in ten minutes? Okay, ten minutes with no fuss? Let's shake on it....And since it could be hard to stop playing in ten minutes, how can I help you then?"

5. Give her authority over her own body.

“I hear that you don’t want to wear your jacket today. I think it's cold and I am definitely

wearing a jacket. Of course, you are in charge of your own body, as long as you stay safe

and healthy, so you get to decide whether to wear a jacket. But I’m afraid that you will be

cold once we are outside, and I won’t want to come back to the house. How about I put your

jacket in the backpack, and then we’ll have it if you change your mind?”

She’s not going to get pneumonia, unless you push her into it by acting like you’ve won if she asks for the jacket. And once she won’t lose face by wearing her jacket, she’ll be begging for it once she gets cold. It’s just hard for her to imagine feeling cold when she’s so warm right now in the house, and a jacket seems like such a hassle. She's sure she's right -- her own body is telling her so -- so naturally she resists you. You don't want to undermine that self-confidence, just teach her that there's no shame in letting new information change her mind.

6. Don't push him into opposing you.

Force always creates "push-back" -- with humans of all ages. If you take a hard and fast position, you can easily push your child into defying you, just to prove a point. You'll know when it's a power struggle and you're invested in winning. Just stop, take a breath, and remind yourself that winning a battle with your child always sets you up to lose what’s most important: the relationship. When in doubt say "Ok, you can decide this for yourself." If he can't, then say what part of it he can decide, or find another way for him to meet his need for autonomy without compromising his health or safety.

7. Side-step power struggles by letting your child save face.

You don’t have to prove you’re right. You can, and should, set reasonable expectations and enforce them. But under no circumstances should you try to break your child’s will or force him to acquiesce to your views. He has to do what you want, but he's allowed to have his own opinions and feelings about it.

8. Listen to her.

You, as the adult, might reasonably presume you know best. But your strong-willed child has a strong will partly as a result of her integrity. She has a viewpoint that is making her hold fast to her position, and she is trying to protect something that seems important to her. Only by listening calmly to her and reflecting her words will you come to understand what’s making her oppose you. A non-judgmental “I hear that you don’t want to take a bath. Can you tell me more about why?” might just elicit the information that she’s afraid she’ll go down the drain, like Alice in the song. It may not seem like a good reason to you, but she has a reason. And you won’t find it out if you get into a clash and order her into the tub.

9. See it from his point of view.

For instance, he may be angry because you promised to wash his superman cape and then forgot. To you, he is being stubborn. To him, he is justifiably upset, and you are being hypocritical, because he is not allowed to break his promises to you, but you broke yours to him. How do you clear this up and move on? You apologize profusely for breaking your promise, you reassure him that you try very hard to keep your promises, and you go, together, to wash the cape. You might even teach him how to wash his own clothes so you're not in this position in the future and he's empowered. Just consider how would you want to be treated, and treat him accordingly.

10. Discipline through the relationship, never through punishment.

Kids don’t learn when they’re in the middle of a fight. Like all of us, that’s when adrenaline is pumping and learning shuts off. Kids behave because they want to please us. The more you fight with and punish your child, the more you undermine her desire to please you. If she's upset, help her express her hurt, fear or disappointment, so they evaporate. Then she'll be ready to listen to you when you remind her that in your house, everyone speaks kindly to each other. (Of course, you have to model that. Your child won't always do what you say, but she will always, eventually, do what you do.)

11. Offer him respect and empathy.

Most strong-willed children are fighting for respect. If you offer it to them, they don’t need to fight to protect their position. And, like the rest of us, it helps a lot if they feel understood. If you see his point of view and think he's wrong -- for instance, he wants to wear the superman cape to church and you think that's inappropriate -- you can still offer him empathy and meet him part way while you set the limit.

"You love this cape and wish you could wear it, don't you? But when we go to services we

dress up to sow respect, so we can't wear the cape. I know you'll miss wearing it. How

about we take it with us so you can wear it on our way home?"

Does this sound like Permissive Parenting? It isn't. You set limits. There's just never any reason to be mean about it!

Here's why Permissive Parenting sabotages your child.

Need more ideas about

How to put Positive Parenting to work with your Strong-Willed Child?

Huff Post - 10 Things I Want to Tell My Kids Before They're Too Cool to Listen

10 Things I Want to Tell My Kids Before They're Too Cool to Listen

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kate-bartolotta/10-things-i-want-to-tell-my-kids-before-theyre-too-cool-to-listen_b_5142810.html

Posted: 05/21/2014 5:25 pm EDT Updated: 05/23/2014 9:59 am EDT

Kate Bartolotta

Owner and founder, Be You Media Group

This week, my daughter turns 10, and two things occurred to me about this:

• How the hell do I have a 10-year-old? Is a real adult going to show up and help out with this sometime soon?
• There are so many things I want to tell her -- now, before she is in the onslaught of middle school and too cool to listen.

So, here are 10 things I'd like to tell her and her younger brother, before I suddenly go from Mommy, who knows everything, to Mom, who couldn't possibly understand.

1. “Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.”

I truly believe what John Lennon said with all my heart. We've had some tough times, and you'll have a lot of tough times on your own--but it's worth it. It builds character and teaches you compassion. I can trace some of the best stuff in my life right now to things that were really hard when I was going through them. So when things seem like they are impossible, or you're never going to feel better, just know you'll eventually look back at them in amazement. It's going to be okay.

2. The whole drugs and alcohol thing isn't really about drugs and alcohol.

You're going to try stuff; I'm okay with that. Most of us do, whether it's bumming a cigarette from a friend you think is cooler than you, getting drunk at a party or smoking pot because it feels like everyone else but you has. But here's the thing: all of that stuff is just another way not to be present. Being present, being aware of what's actually happening is pretty awesome. And when you try and push away those feelings of being uncool with alcohol or drugs (or food, or shopping, or anything) they don't really go away. Eventually you're going to have to deal with them, and life gets exponentially better when you do. (And on a side note, if things get out of hand and aren't sure what to do, call me. And if you're too embarrassed to call me, call your uncle Charles.)

3. Figure out what you love and own it completely.

If you spend your life trying to define yourself by what someone else loves, you're going to be miserable. Try things, try everything. See what makes you hear music inside and what makes your heart swell and then go do it. Find out everything you can about it. Find other people who love it too. If you waste time pretending to like something because other people you think are cool like it, you're going to end up with the wrong people in your life. Love what you love and be yourself. You end up with people who genuinely fit that way.

4. Don't be afraid to make mistakes.

I always loved the Neil Gaiman quote:

"If you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world."

We can't make anything valuable without making mistakes. Not a painting, not a relationship, not a career -- not a life. If you wait until you have it all figured out to try, you will be waiting forever. I still don't have it all figured out, but I keep at it. The mistakes aren't failures; they're how we learn.

5. You deserve respect.

You deserve it from me, from your dad, your friends, your teachers -- from everyone in your life. The best way to receive respect from others is to begin by respecting yourself. Speak clearly and keep your head up. Stand up for what you believe. Make choices that you feel good about. And if someone in your life is being disrespectful‚ call them on it. If it doesn't change, limit the amount of time and influence they have in your life. We need people in our lives who challenge us and disagree with us, so we can learn new perspectives. We don't need to be constantly torn down by people who don't respect us.

6. The first person who catches your eye isn't "The One."

And probably not the second, third or fourth either. You know why? It's because youare the one. Love isn't something out there somewhere that someone else can give to you. It's already inside you. It's that golden part of each of us that makes us alive. And some of the best moments in life are when we truly connect with someone else and share the love we have inside with them. But don't ever forget to love yourself, first. When you start by loving and respecting yourself, it makes giving that to other people infinitely better. You're going to meet so many amazing people in your life, and I hope that at least once you meet someone to share that love with and truly find partnership. Before you do, fall in love with your own life, because no one else can do that for you.

7. Romance is great and it isn't the same thing as love.

Sex with someone you love is a wonderful thing. It also isn't the only thing. You're going to have first kisses you feel all the way down to your toes and think "OMG, I love him," but really... you loved the kiss. You are going to see someone and feel something that feels like movie love, but is actually just phenomenal chemistry. You are going to explore this part of your life with people who aren't in it for the long haul -- and that isn't a bad thing. Life is a series of stories and the way our stories intersect is fascinating. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a chapter. It takes a brave person to know when that chapter is over and let go gracefully.

8. Kindness is always an appropriate response.

When you get to be an adult, you'll forget a lot of the stuff that seemed so important in high school and college. You won't remember what your GPA was. You will look at your old classmates on Facebook and wonder why you ever had a crush on that guy. You will look at your old yearbooks and wonder what the hell you were thinking with that haircut. But you will never forget the people who were genuinely kind, who helped when you were hurt, who loved you, even when you felt unlovable. Be that person to your friends.

9. I don't have all the answers, but I'm always here to listen.

Right now, you guys think I have all the answers. I know that time is going to come to a close pretty quickly here, but in a way, I'm glad. One of the greatest gifts my parents gave me wasn't their wisdom, but setting the example that adults aren't static: they keep growing. They keep learning. When they find one way doesn't work, they get up and try another one. Real maturity is letting go of what doesn't work and being open to try something else. You're going to make your own mistakes and find your own answers, and while you're sorting it out, I am always here to listen.

10. It's never too late to live a life that makes you proud.

If you don't learn anything else from me, learn that. We get one shot at this. There's no age limit on changing your course, and to settle in and be stuck in a life that isn't authentic is a tragic waste. F. Scott Fitzgerald said it best:

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again."

And finally,

I love you. Go make brilliant mistakes and fall in love with your life.