Confessions of an Egalitarian Complementarian

Confessions of an Egalitarian Complementarian

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by Roger Olson

March 4, 2015

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The topic is gender. It’s a minefield. Anyone who dares to step into it must be prepared to be injured. Especially in American academic institutions it’s a minefield. And it is a major point of division among evangelical Christians. I speak from within both contexts.

In academia we are in a time of recovery from rampant patriarchalism and that has led to some over reactions. Two trends are noticeable. First, any acknowledgement of real difference between the sexes—beyond biology and patriarchal oppression—is discouraged. One academic professional society requires facilities where it meets to make all restrooms unisex. Second, insofar as differences between males and females are acknowledged—beyond biology and patriarchal oppression—typically female modes of behavior are to be prioritized. No positive acknowledgment of typically male modes of behavior is permitted. These two trends are in some tension with each other, but both are easily observable in American academia and they filter out into the media, government and business.

Among evangelicals one is pressured to choose between being either “complementarian” or “egalitarian.” There is little room for middle ground or hybrids. Somewhat mimicking secular academic trends, many evangelical egalitarians shy away from any talk of interdependence between the sexes or of differences between them beyond biology and social conditioning. “Masculine” and “feminine” are only social constructions and nothing more. Any mention of innate differences between boys and girls beyond physiology is discouraged. The assumption is that “difference” inevitably leads to hierarchy (read “patriarchy”).

On the other hand, many evangelical complementarians insist that power differentials between males and females are rooted in revelation and the Trinity itself. “Male headship,” it is argued, does not mean male superiority but only divinely ordained male leadership. In reality, however, among evangelical complementarians, male headship always tends to flesh out as male domination and female submission.

I stand (sometimes alone) in a middle space, a liminal space (to use academic jargon), between egalitarianism and complementarianism. It’s often an uncomfortable space to inhabit. What this means is that:

• Among academics I reject the radical minimizing of sex differences. I believe male-female difference is more than biology/physiology and social conditioning. I admit that identifying that difference is never easy, but I believe it is observable in tendencies of behavior well before hormonal influences can account for it. We are one humanity; our humanity is one. But difference does not mean inequality in any other area of human life; we celebrate difference and “otherness” (in academia). We can be and are one humanity in variety. And maleness and femaleness is one of the irreducible manifestation of that variety. It cannot and should not be obliterated by social engineering.

• At the same time I stand together with feminists in opposing oppression based on sex or gender. Females should have every opportunity to fulfill their human giftedness including entrance to every level of leadership in every profession. (On the other hand I think professions commonly considered reserved for females ought to be opened without hindrances to males. If the profession of engineering would be improved by having more women engineers, then the profession of nursing would be improved by having more men nurses.)

• Among evangelicals I stand with the egalitarians in affirming that women called by God to lead should be ordained and recognized as leaders at every level of religious organizations. I stand with egalitarians in affirming that husbands and wives should submit to each other in marriage and that both, together, should lead families. I have been a member of two churches pastored by women (and am now attending a third) and have many women students who will be pastors of churches. I work within a denomination whose executive leader is a woman. My wife is a deacon in our church. My wife and I have for forty plus years made all decisions in our marriage and family together. When we do not agree we do not act in any way that affects both. I do not claim “leadership” and neither does she—except together, as one.

• On the other hand, I agree with complementarians that “manhood” and “womanhood” are rooted in creation and are not reducible to biology/physiology or social construction-conditioning. Although they overlap much (and there’s nothing wrong with that), manhood and womanhood, maleness and femaleness, masculinity and femininity, complement each other. Typically men need other men and they need women; typically women need other women and they need men. “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” is not true. Woman is made for man as man is made for woman. The two need each other and complement each other. We should celebrate the difference and interdependence without creating or supporting hierarchy.

• For example: A church for women only would be a travesty as would a church for men only (both exist). Children are best raised, when possible, by both a male and a female. If either a father or mother is not available the single parent should seek out a person of the other sex to co-parent with them (within appropriate boundaries, of course). Boys need both male and female teachers in schools, as do girls.

We need to overcome our polar oppositions and recognize both man and woman as uniquely gifted by God, equal in every way, interdependent, and yet really different ways of being human.

Rob & Kristen Bell - The Zimzum of Love: A New Way of Understanding Marriage

Lord of the Harvest

Chasing Cars : Snow Patrol - Movie Montage

In "making room for the other" we remove ourselves
from "the other's room" until it may more gently be
filled with the other's space that we had once occupied.
And then, by mutal admission, are allowed back into
the rooms of our loved one in mutual occupation of
love and respect. This is the tzim-tzum of divine love.

                                               - r.e. slater

It is with admission that the postmodern church of the 21st century has entered into the era of post-Christianity and by this admission Relevancy22 was birthed to serve as a reference site for post-modern, post-Christian, theological spaces. As such, this site will look at contemporary issues and doctrinal topics from this perspective rather than the older, more traditional perspective that this author and others have been stamped heart-and-soul with over the many long years of faithfulness and service to Fundamental and conservative Evangelical churches. As such, we speak sympathetically but knowingly and strongly.

The growing chasm between the church then and now is as wide-and-deep as the novice reader would suppose. Nor was it with any degree of speed - or without deep anguish of heart and soul - that its gaping maw was crossed over in an attempt to update, upgrade, and essentially reboot, an old-timey Christianity whose 500 year-old bones must be reverently, but finally, laid to rest. RIP, old friend. Be at peace.

And with this assessment, along with the strong, supernatural sense of the burden of the Holy Spirit, Relevancy22 was born to speak to this new era of post-modern, post-Christianity. Not by "throwing out the baby with the bath water," as the saying goes, but by dissecting it piece-by-piece in a more contemporary doctrinal arrangement that would allow life-and-breath back into the dying corpse of Christianity that has been rotting away for too long under dogmas of judgment, exclusion, isolation, discrimination, a general malaise of dithering, self-righteousness, and the fiction of a powerful religious folklore long since determinative of its own future than of any act of the Holy Spirit excluded by its bona fide resources of sanctity and sanctimoniousness.

Harsh words? Yes. But spoken with a deep care and love for God's church and its many good people needing truer, more literate shepherds in the pulpits of the Lord. Asked a different way, "How would the prophets of yore have come to the people of God do you suppose?" With a meek word and groveling posture? By weakly speaking "By your leave" and "Might I say?" to the congregants within the Lord's temple? No, I think not.

The prophets of old, like the Jesus of the Gospels, came with a mighty voice, a strong spirit, and a "Thus saith the Word of the Lord" against all obstacles, naysayers, enemies, and determined foes. They did not back down when speaking judgment measured from an all-gracious God whose heart was broken before a hard-headed, hard-hearted people wishing only to grasp their idols, listen to their false prophets, and pretend that everything is the same as it ever was. Would we expect anything less today of God who is alive and well and inhabiting planet Earth? No, not really.

Introduction to "Tzimtum"

[cf. Wikipedia for further discussion]

And so, to my voice and the voices of those who are quoted in the length and breadth of this website comes another old and familiar voice. That of Rob Bell and now his wife, Kristen, whom I-and-my-wife know as past friends and servants to the Spirit of the Lord from Mars Hill. In their newest book they speak together as one voice to a non-Christian generation of disspirited, disillusioned, perhaps agnostic or atheistic generations of disbelievers about the Lord to the ready sacrament of marriage without using the long, pontificating words of the church overfilled with dogmatic (as versus good, healthy doctrinal) import that is all too familiar to our dulled ears. (By the way, I said familiar biblical doctrines, but perhaps not understood nor connected in any wholistic way as we commonly think of them within the church. Accordingly, this blogsite has made a feast of such attitudes I'm sorry to say).

It is a good book, a solid book, but quirky and filled with the expected Robbisms of new speech and new ideas that will challenge the more conservative student of Scriptures. For myself, I have learned a long time ago to remember to bear Jesus' cross... not Rob's. That I'm not placed here on this earth to bear Rob's cross except as a brother in the Lord who is being used in other ways than the more typical church models of service and servanthood. Nay, my cross, as should be all of our crosses, is that of the Lord's alone. If we do this than we speak with God's voice and not that of another.

Hence, let us start by saying that the title of the Bell's book is not "zim-zum" but, in the Hebraic language, "SIM-sum". If you check the language dictionary you'll see that the initial "z" of zimzum is a transliteration from the Hebrew into English. But in Hebrew that "z" is actually a "ts" like "sit, zit, zilch, and zumba".

It also consists of two syllables - a "zit" and a "zum" where the first takes on the harder strike of the tongue and the latter a softer pronunciation almost as an afterthought. Thus, we would say "TSIT" really hard and "tsum" really soft as if you are expelling your breath.

Lastly, "zimzum" is spelled in Hebrew as "tzim-tzum". So, put it all together, and it sounds like "TSIM-tsum". Cool, eh?

But what does it mean? It essentially means "creating an empty space for a new thing to form." As held within the ancient sects of Jewish mysticism this took on its own meaning pertinent to that sect or cult's idea of God. And, as you would realize, most cults (and some sects) fixate upon some "new" spiritual meaning that has come to their group to spin it off in a trajectory more towards their own envisioning words and ideologies than perhaps the Lord's. Essentially then, trading one religious dogma for another, more human, dogma. But we do this all the time, which again is why the church has its theologians to question and reflect even as colleges and universities have their own professors doing the same. Each attempting to keep to the foundations of a churchly or scholarly idea without losing sight of the overall import to the societal structure at large.

For instance, in science, a theory is a theory until it becomes qualified as a "natural law". Similarly, a spiritual insight or theological teaching doesn't automatically become part of the church's doctrinal foundation without becoming qualified by the worshipping community as a whole. Basic liturgy within Christianity understands what a denomination is apart from a sect or a cult. Moving left to right a Christian fellowship may slowly, by degrees, part from its origination point until it has become something other than what it once was. Jewish mysticism, like Christian mysticism, is no different.

And so, "TSIM-tsum" became a non-traditional Jewish teaching that led to other things. It dealt with paradoxes and philosophies and religion in a mixed bag of ideas seeking to sort itself out along lines of mystical thought about God, self, and life itself. Where Christian teaching differs from mysticism is that its mystical center is God Himself who is both mystery and revelation to His people. But, it is important, that the God of the Bible has e-x-p-l-a-i-n-e-d Himself through the words of His prophets, the personal stories of His servants and non-servants alike, and even within the events of history itself. God doesn't maintain His silence or remove His words from us but makes every effort that we should know Him as He wishes to be known. He is no mystery! And so, Christianity is not a mystery religion whose center is hidden in secrecy and darkness. No, this God has revealed Himself. And ultimately through Jesus Christ as the second person of the triune Godhead become incarnated as a man to this good earth whacked by sin and ruin.

A New Christmas Message - One of Peace and Solidarity with the World

So then, God does not wish to be a secret even though any Christian man or woman will be the first to tell you that in the knowing of God through His Word He is still beyond our imaginings and is mysterious to us in many ways ontologically and metaphysically. However, that mystery become incarnated flesh in the person-and-work of Jesus who is the very Word of God Himself. Not simply a prophet, a priest, a judge, or a man, but more than these.

Yes, Jesus was the spoken, revealed Word of God. Who became the Offerer as well as the Offering as the Most High Priest/Mediator and Lamb of God. Who became for us the suffering Servant of Isaiah whom we know as Emmanuel, God with us, in the Gospels. And yet, through it all, He became the incarnated God who lived amongst us even as He was the r-e-v-e-l-a-t-i-o-n of God to us through His earthly life, words, and actions so we might better see and understand this God of the bible we would worship and seek to understand.

As such, Christianity is mystical in its essence, but must also be regarded as a revealed religion - which is why Christianity is not simply a mystery religion just as ancient Judaism was not a mystery religion in the Old Testament. And yet, within both eras of the Old and New Testament religious mystical groups would arise to add (or subtract) from biblical doctrine according to their philosophies, preferences, and ideologies. But it is important to know that the God of creation has taken pains (both figuratively and literally) to reveal His heart, mind, plans, and purposes, to us in innumerable ways of examples and ancient stories. And now it behooves us to become better listeners than we thought we were to this very same God of redemption and recreation, renewal and life, in this post-Christian age that we now live.

Thus today's straight-forward, measured words to the traditional church of the 21st century resisting God's newer words which are actually older words neither secret nor mysterious to its life and practice. Words that are being spoken through non-typical orifices of prophets and publicans alike as God's revealed words to a contemporary postmodern, post-Christian generation. A pagan context demanding we think differently - and in newer ways - while remembering that once Christianity's more ancient spiritual center is found so too will be found the lively God of Scripture in a more profound, more passionate, more forceful way, than we thought possible or could believe.

Perhaps what we are living through is the Age of Kingdom as it breaks into man's more parochial churchly structures to experience its tension between the Gospel of Jesus to the words of man. Even so we know this to be true ever since our Lord and Savior came so many years ago. That even as the Church Age replaced Israel's Kingdom Age so now is God's heavenly Kingdom breaking into this very Church Age we live within. Creating with it a reversal of structures, an upside-down character of weak and strong, a salt-and-light yeasty thing, intermixing ancient thoughts with newer thoughts, until the tensors of God's Kingdom at the last replaces the very Church itself before the advent of Christ who has come to disrupt and displace man's kingdoms both lost and found. This is the kind of thing only the God of universe who has come to us can do. Not a thing that is created by us with feeble hands. But by His holy designs of love and peace upon a sin-torn world of injustice, war, greed, and pride. This is the kind of God who has come to disrupt our very lives within its torn fabrics of conscience and misery, hurts and harms, desperate plights and ingracious lives, built upon the sacrileges of self-righteousness, legalism, and prideful living.

And thus and thus the Kingdom of God has become acutely problematic for us, the church of God, as we listen to God's newer, disruptive words to our hearts as we try to comprehend them without killing the messengers of God whom He has sent to speak to us between the tensions of this age and the age to come. In reality, for many of God's prophets it ended badly as God's people slew them and then went about their hard-bitten lives oblivious to God until final judgment came upon them as a thief in the night within the tent folds of their ancient societies. Let us not do the same. But let us be wiser servants of the Lord, united in cause and in spirit, to the glistening Words of the Lord not unlike the 10 virgins of the Lord come to seek Him with lit candle-lamps in the black darks of a benighted , bewildered world. Amen.

R.E. Slater

December 22, 2014
updated December 29, 2014

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Amazon Link

Book Contents

As he revolutionized traditional teaching on hell in the phenomenal New York Times bestseller Love Wins, Rob Bell now transforms how we understand and practice marriage in The Zimzum of Love, co-written with his wife, Kristen.

Despite the divorce statistics, people are still committing to each other, instinctively believing and hoping that theirs is a sacred union that will last forever. Yet when these couples encounter problems, they often lack the resources that keep them connected to this greater mystery surrounding marriage.

Rob and Kristen Bell introduce a startling new way of looking at marriage, The Zimzum of Love. Zimzum is a Hebrew term where God, in order to have a relationship with the world, contracts, creating space for the creation to exist. In marriage, zimzum is the dynamic energy field between two partners, in which each person contracts to allow the other to flourish. Mastering this field, this give and take of energy, is the secret to what makes marriage flourish.

Rob and Kristen Bell are brutally honest about their own struggles, their ups and downs, as together they pass along what matters most for couples. In this wise book, they explore the secret of what makes a happy union—probing the mystery at the heart of the extraordinary emotional connection that binds two people. With his down-to-earth charm, a dose of whimsy, and memorable stories, Rob, writing with his wife Kristen, changes how we consider marriage, providing insight that can help all of us create satisfying and sacred unions of our own.

Product Details

Hardcover: 160 pages

Publisher: HarperOne (October 28, 2014)

Language: English

ISBN-10: 0062194240

ISBN-13: 978-0062194244

Customer Review

A Helpful Way to Talk about Christian Marriage Outside the Church

by JR. Forasteros

November 1, 2014

You may not have heard, but Rob Bell put out a new book. More specifically, Rob and his wife, Kristen, dropped a book last week called The Zimzum of Love: A New Way of Understanding Marriage. (Now that Rob has published a marriage book and Mark Driscoll has resigned from his Mars Hill Church, the eerily-similar career trajectory of these two guys continues to get creepier).

The Zimzum of Love is a short, quick read. As with most of Rob’s books, it’s light and playful, while not shying away from deeper waters. It’s good. It’s helpful. Did I mention it’s short? Is it worth your time?

The Zimzum of Love claims to be a new way to understand marriage. Is it?

Yes… and no. Depends on who you’re talking to. When Rob left his church in 2012, he made a conscious decision to step out of pastoring in a church to pastoring outside the Church. His last book - What We Talk About When We Talk About God – reflects that trajectory, and The Zimzum of Love. In other words, Christians looking for a deep book on marriage should probably go check out Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage instead.

Rob and Kristen wrote a book on Christian marriage for non-Christian people.

The Zimzum of Love is a celebration of the sacramental nature of marriage, grounded in Trinitarian life and love of God. You won’t find the word “sacrament” anywhere in the book (and Trinity only once or twice), but that’s the point. This picture of marriage is good news to people who don’t know it, but only if they can understand it.

Rob and Kristen use language that sounds much more at home on the O Network [Oprah's OWN] than in a pulpit. This will doubtless make Evangelicals looking for something to complain about happy; they’ll surely find the confirmation they were seeking that Rob has abandoned Orthodox Christianity in favor of the trendy spirituality-lite. That’s an exceptionally uncharitable reading of the book, and if that’s what you choose, it’s too bad, because you’ll miss the real benefits of the book for both Christians and non-Christians.

The Zimzum of Love should be read more like a latter-day incarnation of Paul’s sermon at Mars Hill.

Rob and Kristen show Christians a new way to talk about marriage. (Well, it’s not actually new… Christians have been talking about marriage as a sacrament for quite a long time. Evangelicals just aren’t very good at it these days.) As did Paul, he begins where people outside the Church are and invites them slowly, inexoribly closer to the center of the life of the Trinity.

Their thesis is that marriage is sacramental. Whether you’re explicitly, intentionally following Jesus or not, marriage can orient you towards God. Marriage can be an opportunity for and means of grace in your life, if you choose to play along. As they say:

"Marriage has the uniquely powerful capacity to transform you both into more loving and generous and courageous and compassionate people."

The Zimzum of Love explores what exactly a sacramental marriage looks like. They begin, of course, with the concept of zimzum. Though they borrow the concept from Jewish mysticism, they steer clear of the rabbit hole, settling for a simple explanation:

"[Rabbis contend] that for something to exist that wasn’t God, God had to contract or withdraw from a certain space so that something else, something other than God, could exist and thrive in that space. And the word they used for this divine contraction is zimzum. God zimzums so that everything we know to be everything can exist and thrive."

Rob and Kristen use the concept of zimzum as a picture of the self-sacrificing love that is the heart of the trinity. They don’t “go there” until nearly the end of the book, but a discerning theological reader should pick up on that right away (again, the brilliance of the book). The rest of the book, then is a movement from zimzum to Trinity, exploring what it looks like to love another person with this sort of self-effacing love, a love that makes intentional space for the Other within the Self.

And if that sounds heady and complicated, don’t worry. The Zimzum of Love is anything but. It’s clear, compelling, accessible and practical.

Rob and Kristen use humor, wit and lots of personal anecdotes to make the book an easy but helpful read. Their vision of marriage is inspiring and exciting. It’s not easy – and they’re open about that. They also offer questions at the end of the book to help a couple walk through the book together.

I do a lot of weddings, for both Christian and non-Christian couples. Ever since I read [Tim] Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage, it’s been my go-to for Christian couples. But as excellent as Keller’s book is, the degree to which it’s steeped in Christian language and theology makes it off-putting for people who aren’t Christians. I’ve found myself using ideas and concepts from the book rather than the book itself.

I plan to offer non-Christian couples The Zimzum of Love. Rob and Kristien articulate many of the same ideas and theological truths, but in ways that are more accessible and relatable for people who aren’t Jesus-followers. Rob and Kristen present Marriage as an invitation into the life of God. As they say near the end of the book:

"In this trinitarian understanding of God, love is the engine of the universe, the life force that surges through all of creation… This love takes us back to that first impulse you had to zimzum for this person you love. When you zimzum, you are aligning yourself with the most foundational creative energies of the universe. You’re experiencing the same love that sustains the world."

The Zimzum of Love is an excellent resource for the Church.

Marriage done well can connect us to the first love of creation.It doesn’t take a Counseling degree to see that the larger culture doesn’t care to hear what the Church has to say about marriage. At the same time, relationships in our culture are a mess. We’re more alone, more isolated, than at any point in our history.

Our culture hasn’t quit listening to the Church because what we have to say is untrue. Christian marriage is still the best hope we have to know and be known as we truly desire. Our message has become irrelevant because we’re not speaking the language of our culture anymore (and because our marriages aren’t particularly compelling all-too-often).

While traditional theological language may be very helpful for those inside the Church (and I mean inside the Church tradition – we have plenty of people in our buildings who are theological outsiders), more and more of our culture is outside the Christian theological tradition. If we want to speak meaningfully to them about love and relationships and sex and all the other things wrapped up in marriage, we must learn to speak their language.

The Zimzum of Love is an excellent starting point for us to learn how to speak meaningfully about marriage with those outside the Church.

One final note – most people who have followed Rob Bell know that shortly after he left Mars Hill, he came out in support of Marriage Equality. Early in the book, he and Kristen make it clear that wasn’t a misquote:

"Marriage – gay and straight – is a gift to the world because the world needs

more – not less – love, fidelity, commitment, devotion, and sacrifice."

Disagreeing with Rob about this point is enough to make many Evangelicals toss the book across the room and quit reading.

I would challenge you to keep reading, no matter what your views on this issue are. Here’s why:

First, that’s literally the only time in the book the issue comes up. Throughout the rest of the book, Rob and Kristen speak about “husbands and wives” - even eschewing the language of “partners”. I spent some time trying to figure out why they chose to do this and couldn’t for the life of me. I would assume a gay couple reading this book might still feel alienated by the rest of the marriage language in the book. And since Rob is always so careful about his words, I am not sure what to make of this.

Second, whether you agree with Rob and Kristen’s view on Marriage Equality or not, their sacramental view of marriage is still spot-on. If you think only straight marriages are sacramental, but Rob and Kristen think gay marriages are too, you can still benefit from the picture of marriage they endorse in the book. That one sentence aside, Marriage Equality doesn’t show up once in the whole book, not even obliquely.

So does The Zimzum of Love offer a new way to think about marriage?

Yes. For non-Christians, it offers a powerful, sacramental view of marriage as an invitation into the deep mystery of God. For Christians, it offers a fresh, meaningful way to talk about distinctively Christian, Trinitarian marriage with those who are outside the Christian theological tradition. Rob and Kristen point us toward incarnational language that invites us all to have healthier, more loving marriages. As they conclude:

"When you are faithful to each other, zimzuming as you act for the well-being of the other,

the space between you becomes a place in the universe that isn’t broken and divided but

one and whole… There is a larger purpose to your marriage… one that shapes each of

 you into better people as it makes the world a better place."

BOTTOM LINE: The Zimzum of Love offers a powerful vision of marriage in language our culture can understand and engage. It’s not written for Christians, but Christians can use it as a guide to engage the larger world.

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Rob Bell, Billy Graham, and the Zimzum of Oprah

http://www.newsandpews.com/rob-bell-billy-graham-and-the-zimzum-of-oprah/
DECEMBER 15, 2014

It is that magical time of the year, but I am not feeling it. My holiday feasting seems to be savory servings of irritation, deep fried in frustration, and generously layered with melancholy gravy. Bon appetit.

What’s bothering me? Christians. The church. My brothers and sisters who are supposedly on the same journey with me—called by God to become like Christ—and yet seem to be going in such different directions.

Can I get this off my chest? I am hoping it will help.

Take the reaction from some Christians to Rob Bell’s new book, which he wrote with his wife Kristen, The Zimzum of Love. I try to be like Rob and ignore the criticism, but part of my job is tracking what Christians are talking about. And these critics are proudly shouting out their attacks, thinking it counts as righteousness. Rob found the word zimzum in the Jewish Kabbalah! He toured with Oprah and has a new show on her channel—he’s gone New Age! He hardly quotes the Bible anymore!

One only has to read the book’s introduction to discover that Rob takes the idea of zimzum (God had to withdraw to make space for us, his creation, to thrive) and applies it in a wholly original way, to marriage. So why would the idea’s source in the Kabbalah even count as important, let alone count more than whether it’s true or false, right or wrong? And what is “new age” about the idea that in marriage you contract to make room for your partner to thrive, while they do the same for you? Talking about how well the relational energy flows between a couple only counts as heresy if you worship at the altar of I’m Okay, You’re Okay. News flash: seventies-era psychology and nineteenth-century pietism are not the only paradigms Christians can use for understanding relationships.

There was also a parody in a prestigious Christian publication, Books & Culture, satirizing the back-room machinations of publishers pushing Rob Bell. In the parody the “Shadow Government of Religious Publishing” (presumably, HarperOne) likes religion as a category (because it sells) but hates evangelicals (because we are demonic), and so we love Rob, allegedly, because he sounds Christian but softens or undermines the faith by using words like zimzum and because he likes sacred but not holiness. That’s why Oprah loves him, too.

Get it? I didn’t.

I am all for laughing at myself. Beats crying or whining. But how did the writer, Jason Hood, not notice that his humor only works if readers already see themselves as the pure and righteous good guys, like Hood? People reveal more than they realize in their humor. Look at what words he attacks Rob for not saying: sin, holiness, righteousness, prayer, repentance, submission, Satan, sin, cross, God’s design and plan for the world—“you know, Genesis, male-female complementarity, that sort of thing.”

So why attack someone already deemed outside the tribe? Why is Hood so anxious that he needs to question the faith of anyone who responds positively to Rob? Has anyone else noticed that people who insist on using the language he wants Christians to use are not creating the kinds of Christians anyone wants to be around—especially the younger people fleeing the church? This is pure humor—as in, only for the righteous remnant unstained by the evil world.

When Billy Graham’s ministry started to blossom, he faced a difficult decision. Was God calling him to stick with the categories he inherited from the fundamentalists and evangelicals he emerged from, or should he open new doors as long as he could preach the gospel freely? He chose the latter. He began to invite mainline Protestants and, eventually, even Catholics to participate in his work. Overnight Billy Graham went from hero to enemy number one in many conservatives’ eyes. How could he consort with the enemy? they wondered.

So here’s a different take on Rob Bell. Rob felt called by God to reach people who won’t go to church. He first did this by building a new kind of church, which many people loved. Next he tried reaching them by videos and books, which eventually caused some tension with his church work. So he decided to stay true to his calling, gave up his security, and moved to California to see if he could use television to reach the unchurched. After several experiments, he eventually got the green light to develop a show with Oprah’s OWN Channel (debuting December 21) and to go on a speaking tour with her. Being a gifted communicator and a deep student of God and Scripture, he strategized how he could further God’s kingdom by framing his message in ways that do not put off readers and listeners and yet connect people with God/life/soul through the way of death and resurrection (a theme in all his books).

And when he is in front of an audience, he connects. People respond to his spirit and his message. Even Oprah.

So is befriending Oprah a sign of compromise or of success? Just remember that, despite the fantasies held by Books & Culture’s humorists, you don’t get your own television show or tour with Oprah simply because you compromise your Christian faith. Sorry. Not that easy. Something more is needed, something exceptional, something rare, something that may even be worth celebrating.

So why all the animosity for Rob who, otherwise, might seem to be an evangelical success story? Here’s a line Hood puts in the mouth of one of the demonic publishers for why they like Rob: “He kinda looks evangelical, but he’s cool with gay marriage.”

Really? A “sin” that costs suburban white heterosexuals nothing to condemn is the measure of whether one is right with God? Convenient.

And that is why I am looking forward to Christmas. We desperately need Jesus to come back to his church. O come, O come, Emmanuel.

Michael G. Maudlin

Senior Vice President and Executive Editor

Is God's love limited to the heterosexual? No. There
are legitimate homosexual bonds out there too...what
the church is calling "gay marriages". And so, let us
not neglect those couples who may as well enact the
tzim-tzum of God's love within their marriage bonds.

                                                                 - r.e. slater


Luce & Rachel // Feels Like I'm in Love // Imagine Me & You

Relevant Magazine: "10 Secrets You Should Know About Marriage"

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/10-secrets-you-should-know-about-marriage

The things no one tells you, but that everyone should know.

By Debra K Fileta

December 3, 2013

Debra K. Fileta is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in Relationship and Marital issues. She, her husband and two children live in Hershey, PA. She is the author of the new book True Love Dates (Zondervan, 2013), challenging young men and women to do dating in a way that is psychologically sound, emotionally healthy and spiritually grounded. Visit www.truelovedates.com and follow her on Twitter to get your dating questions answered and to learn more!

* * * * * * * * *

There are few people who really know what they’re getting into when it comes to getting married. We all have an idea of what marriage is all about. We have hopes, dreams and expectations of what it will look like. We watch movies, TV shows and even observe marriages in the world around us to try and get a glimpse of this thing we call holy matrimony. But we don’t really know until we’re there, do we?

There are some things about marriage that I understood going into it, but there are so many things I could have never fully imagined. To this day, there is still so much that I’m learning. I write about this concept in my new book, True Love Dates—specifically regarding the things marriage can’t do. But marriage can also do a lot. Here are 10 things I have learned about it.

1. Marriage is more intimate than sex

Often, one of the first things singles think about when it comes to marriage is sex. But while there is so much value and closeness within the sexual relationship, a good marriage is what makes for good sex, not the other way around.

Before marriage, I don’t think I grasped the real intimacy that comes with committing to this one person for the rest of my life. Marriage is an amazing opportunity to allow another person a look inside your life, your mind, your heart and your very soul. Now that is true intimacy.

2. Marriage reveals selfishness, but can also cultivate selflessness

I didn’t know how selfish I was until I got about six months into my marriage (probably more like six hours, but I’m being generous). From the silly moments of choosing where to eat and who gets the remote, to the more significant things like apologizing and putting your spouse’s needs before your own—you learn that true selflessness is something that has to be lived out. It’s a hard lesson, but also a beautiful reminder of a God who selflessly gave His all for me.

3. Oneness literally means one

We all think of the deep spiritual and physical benefits of oneness, but we don’t always consider the inconvenient parts of it. One house. One bed. One bathroom. One mirror above the bathroom sink. One bank account. One budget.

In marriage, you learn to let go of the “mine and yours” mentality, because everything is truly “ours.” There’s something really hard, but something really beautiful about that. It’s a reminder that at the end of the day what’s mine is yours ... but everything we have is actually His.

4. At some point, you will be disappointed

This one was a hard reality. I am fully aware of my and my husband’s humanity, but for some reason this truth doesn’t really hit home until disappointment hits home.

My husband and I have loved each other deeply, but we’ve also hurt each other deeply. When you allow someone to bury their heart in yours, there’s no doubt that one day, you will feel an ache. Whether In the form of an unkind word, a thoughtless action or a selfish moment, marriage will hurt. But by God’s grace, each wound paves the way for grace, forgiveness and restoration. Each wound is a reminder of our need to love better and more deeply.

5. Like it or not, you will learn the meaning of forgiveness

With the certainty of being wounded comes the reality that you will need to learn forgiveness. The biggest lesson is that true forgiveness comes not because the person standing before you is deserving. Rather, it comes out of a heart that understands how much we’ve been forgiven though we, too, were undeserving.

6. Marriage will cost you

The truth is, you lose a part of yourself within the glory of marriage. You exchange a little bit of who you are for a little bit of who your spouse is. You learn to give and take. You learn to let go of the things that don’t really matter. And in the end, you realize what you’ve given is far less than what you’ve ultimately received. Love is good like that.

7. Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a series of decisions

Before marriage, you can’t really comprehend the strong feelings going anywhere but higher. Then one day you realize that feelings can’t really be trusted, because some days you feel you may not even like each other. Feelings come, but feelings also go. They are a compass, and sometimes a guide, but they are never to be followed.

The test of real love is what you do when you don’t feel like loving. Marriage is constantly choosing to love, to give and to serve because of the commitment you have made. It’s choosing the other instead of choosing yourself. That’s the very definition of love in it’s truest form.

8. Marriage will require you to learn how to communicate

No matter what your communication bent, marriage will require you to take a good hard look at your opinions, beliefs, ideas and feelings—and share them with another. It will cause you to answer the hard questions and speak the difficult truths. Communication is the lifeline between two people. There’s no way around it. It will cause you to take responsibility for not just what you say, but how you say it—tone, body language, sarcasm and all.

9. Marriage is not the end of your destination.

Before you’re married, it’s easy to see marriage as the grande finale. It’s the thing we dream of and live for. And then it finally comes! Now what?

This relationship God has blessed you with is a fraction of the grand scheme He has for your life. Your purpose and passions will extend far beyond the reach of your relationship with your spouse. And God will use the relationship He has given you, too, as the love between you and your spouse is reflected to the world. Marriage is not the end, it’s only the beginning. God has so much more up His sleeve.

10. Marriage gives you a glimpse of so much more

On the same note, you learn a lot about God when you are rubbing up against someone day in and day out. There’s a reason God uses the analogy of marriage to describe His love for His Church. No relationship will ever compare to the intimacy that is exchanged within this earthly connection. God’s love for us magnified through the lens of a healthy marriage, but He also uses this marriage to shape us, refine us and put us through the fire—making us more and more like Him along the way. Reflecting Jesus is the greatest honor we can partake in when it comes to marriage, but more so, it’s the one and only thing that will keep our marriage alive.

There are many routes to holiness, and marriage is definitely one of those routes. I am a different person because of this sacred relationship, and I know God’s not finished with me yet. I’m so thankful for the blessing of marriage, and look forward to what lies ahead.

"16 Ways I Blew My Marriage"

 

http://www.danoah.com/2012/10/16-ways-i-blew-my-marriage.html

 

On Wednesday, October 17, 2012 by Dan Pearce

You know what blows big time?

The other night I was sitting with my family, most of whom are very successfully married. We were going in a circle giving our best marriage advice to my little sister on the eve of her wedding. It’s somewhat of a family tradition.

But that’s not what blows. What really blows is that I realized I don’t have any good marriage advice to give. After all, I’ve never had a successful marriage out of the two marriages I did have.

And so, when it was my turn, I just made a joke about divorce and how you should always remember why you loved your spouse when you first met her so that when times get tough, you can find someone new that is just like she was.

There were a couple courtesy giggles, but overall my humor wasn’t welcome in such a beautifully building ring of profundity.

They finished round one, and for some reason started into another round. And that’s when I realized. Hey. I don’t have marriage advice to give, but I have plenty of “keep your marriage from ending” advice (two equivocally different things), and that might be almost as good.

It eventually came to me again, and what I said would have been such great advice if I were a tenth as good at saying things as I was at writing them.

And so, that night, I sat down and wrote out my “advice list” for my little sister. You know… things I wish I would have known or done differently so that I didn’t end up divorced (twice). After writing it, I thought maybe I’d share it with all of you, too.

I call it my “Ways I Blew My Marriage” list. Also, for the list’s sake, I am just going to refer to “her” instead of “them” even though they almost all were true in both marriages.

1. DON’T STOP HOLDING HER HAND

When I first dated the woman I ended up marrying, I always held her hand. In the car. While walking. At meals. At movies. It didn’t matter where. Over time, I stopped. I made up excuses like my hand was too hot or it made me sweat or I wasn’t comfortable with it in public. Truth was, I stopped holding hands because I stopped wanting to put in the effort to be close to my wife. No other reason.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d hold her hand in the car. I’d hold her hand on a star. I’d hold her hand in a box. I’d hold her hand with a fox. And I’d hold her hand everywhere else, too, even when we didn’t particularly like each other for the moment.

BONUS! When you hold hands in the winter, they don’t get cold. True story.

2. Don’t stop trying to be attractive.

Obviously when I was working to woo her, I would do myself up as attractively as I possibly could every time I saw her. I kept perfectly groomed. I always smelled good. I held in my farts until she wasn’t around. For some reason, marriage made me feel like I could stop doing all that. I would get all properly groomed, smelling good, and dressed up any time we went out somewhere or I went out by myself, but I rarely, if ever, cared about making myself attractive just for her.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d try and put my best foot forward throughout our entire marriage. I’d wait to fart until I was in the bathroom whenever possible. I’d make myself desirable so that she would desire me.

BONUS! when you trim your man hair, guess what. She returns the favor.

3. Don’t always point out her weaknesses.

For some reason, somewhere along the way, I always ended up feeling like it was my place to tell her where she was weak and where she could do better. I sure as heck didn’t do that while we were dating. No, when I dated her I only built her up, only told her how amazing she was, and easily looked past all of her flaws. After we got married though, she sometimes couldn’t even cook eggs without me telling her how she might be able to improve.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I wouldn’t say a damned thing about anything that I thought could use improvement. I’ve learned since my marriage ended that there is more than one right way to do most things, and that the imperfections of others are too beautiful to try and change.

BONUS! when you tell her what she’s doing right, she’ll tell you what you’re doing right. And she’ll also tell her friends. And her family. And the dentist. And even strangers on the street.

4. Don’t stop cooking for her.

I knew how to woo a girl, for sure. And the ticket was usually a night in, cooking a nice meal and having a romantic evening. So why is it then, that I didn’t do that for her after we got married? Sure, I’d throw some canned soup in the microwave or fry up some chimichangas once in a while, but I rarely if ever went out of my way to sweep her off her feet after we were married by steaming crab legs, or making fancy pasta, or setting up a candlelit table.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make it a priority to cook for her, and only her, something awesome at least every month. And I’d remember that meat in a can is never awesome.

BONUS! candlelit dinners often lead to candlelit bow chica bow-wow.

5. Don’t yell at your spouse.

I’m not talking about the angry kind of yelling. I’m talking about the lazy kind of yelling. The kind of yelling you do when you don’t want to get up from your television show or you don’t want to go ALL THE WAY UPSTAIRS to ask her if she’s seen your keys. It really doesn’t take that much effort to go find her, and yelling (by nature) sounds demanding and authoritative.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d try to go find her anytime I needed something or wanted to know something, and I’d have both gratitude and manners when I did. I always hated when she would yell to me, so why did I always feel it was okay to yell to her?

BONUS! sometimes you catch her doing something cute that you would have missed otherwise.

6. Don’t call names.

I always felt I was the king of not calling names, but I wasn’t. I may not have called her stupid, or idiot, or any of the other names she’d sometimes call me, but I would tell her she was stubborn, or that she was impossible, or that she was so hard to deal with. Names are names, and calling them will drive bigger wedges in communication than just about anything else.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: Any time it got to the point that I wanted to call names, I’d call a time-out and come back to it later. Or better yet, I’d call her names, but they’d be names like “super sexy” or “hotness.” Even in the heat of the moment.

7. Don’t be stingy with your money.

As the main bread earner, I was always so stingy with the money. I’d whine about the cost of her shampoo or that she didn’t order water at restaurants, or that she’d spend so much money on things like pedicures or hair dye jobs. But seriously. I always had just as many if not more things that I spent my money on, and in the end, the money was spent, we were just fine, and the only thing my bitching and moaning did was bring undo stress to our relationship.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d tell her I trusted her to buy whatever she wanted, whenever she felt like she needed it. And then, I’d actually trust her to do it.

BONUS! sometimes she will make bad purchase decisions, which leads to makeup purchase decisions. Like that new gadget you’ve had your eyes on.

8. Don’t argue in front of the kids.

There was never any argument that was so important or pressing that we couldn’t wait to have it until the kids weren’t there. I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist or super-shrink to know why fighting in front of the kids is a dangerous and selfish way of doing things.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I would never, ever, not even once fight in front of the kids, no matter how big or how small the issue was. I’d maybe make a code word that meant, “not with the kids here.”

BONUS! when you wait to fight, usually you both realize how stupid or unimportant the fight was and the fight never happens.

9. Don’t encourage each other to skip working out.

I always thought it was love to tell my spouse, “I don’t care if you don’t take care of yourself. I don’t care if you don’t exercise. I don’t care if you let yourself go.” But that was lying, and it was lying when she said it to me because the truth is, we did care and I wish that we would have always told each other how sexy and attractive the other was any time we’d go workout or do something to become healthier.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d ask her to tell me that she cared. I’d ask her to encourage me to go to the gym. I’d ask her to remind me of my goals and tell me I’m strong enough to keep them.

BONUS! exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And happy people don’t kill other people. (Name that movie!)

10. Don’t poop with the bathroom door open.

I don’t know why, but at some point I started thinking it was okay to poop with the bathroom door open, and so did she. First of all, it’s gross. Second of all, it stinks everything up. Third of all, there is literally no way to make pooping attractive, which means that every time she saw me do it, she, at least in some little way, would have thought I was less attractive.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d shut the damn door and poop in private.

BONUS! when she does think of your naked body, she’s not going to be thinking about it in a grunting/squatting position.

11. Don’t stop kissing her.

It always got to a point when I’d more or less stop kissing her. Usually it was because things were stressful and there was tension in our relationship, and so I’d make it worse by refusing to kiss her. This of course would lead to her feeling rejected. Which would of course lead to arguments about it. Other times I had my own issues with germs and whatnot.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d kiss her in the morning when she looked like people do in the morning. I’d kiss her at night when she’s had a long day. I’d kiss her any time I felt like she secretly wanted a kiss. And, I’d kiss her even when my germ issues kicked in.

BONUS! she feels loved when you kiss her. That’s bonus enough.

12. Don’t stop having fun together.

Age shouldn’t matter. Physical ability shouldn’t matter. Couples should never stop having fun with each other, and I really wish I wouldn’t have gotten into so many ruts in which we didn’t really go out and do anything. And, I’ve been around the block enough times to know that when the fun is missing, and the social part of life is missing, so also goes missing the ability to be fully content with each other.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make a rule with her that we’d never stay home two weekends in a row.

BONUS! awesome stories and awesome memories come from doing awesome things. And so do cherished embarrassing moments.

13. Don’t pressure each other.

Pressuring each other about anything is always a recipe for resentment. I always felt so pressured to make more money. I always felt so pressured to not slip in my religion. I always felt so pressured to feel certain ways about things when I felt the opposite. And I usually carried a lot of resentment. Looking back, I can think of just as many times that I pressured her, so I know it was a two-way street.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make it a point to celebrate the different views, opinions, and ways that she had of doing things. I’d find the beauty in differentiation, not the threat.

BONUS! authentic happiness becomes a real possibility. And so do authentic foot rubs.

14. Don’t label each other with negative labels.

Sometimes the easiest phrases to say in my marriage started with one of three things. Either, “you should have,” “you aren’t,” or “you didn’t.” Inevitably after each of those seemed to come something negative. And since when have negative labels ever helped anyone? They certainly never helped her. Or me. Instead, they seemed to make the action that sparked the label worsen in big ways.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I would learn to stop myself before saying any of those phrases, and then I’d switch them out for positive labels. Instead of “you should,” I’d say “you are great at.” Instead of saying “you aren’t,” I’d say “you are.” Instead of saying “you didn’t,” I’d say, “you did.” And then I’d follow it up with something positive.

BONUS! the noblest struggles become far more conquerable. And you don’t think or believe that you’re a schmuck, which is always nice.

15. Don’t skip out on things that are important to her.

It was so easy in marriage to veto so many of the things she enjoyed doing. My reasoning, “we can find things we both enjoy.” That’s lame. There will always be things she enjoys that I will never enjoy, and that’s no reason not to support her in them. Sometimes the only thing she needs is to know that I’m there.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d attend many more of the events that she invited me to. I would actively participate and not tell all the reasons why I’d do it differently or how it could be better or more fun or time better spent.

BONUS! go to something she knows you don’t enjoy and the gratitude gets piled on later that night, like whipped cream on a cheesecake.

16. Don’t emotionally distance yourself after a fight.

I never got to experience the power of make-up sex because any time my wife was mean or we got in a fight, I’d completely distance myself from her, usually for several days. Communication would shut down and I’d avoid contact at all cost. This never let things get worked out, and eventually after it had happened enough times I’d explode unnecessarily.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d let myself communicate my emotions and feelings more often, and I’d make sure that she knew I still loved her any time we had an ugly bout. Sure, we’d give each other some distance. But not days of distance.

BONUS! Fantastic make-up sex. Or at least that’s the theory.

I had lots more written out, but the list started getting super long so I’ll stop right there and maybe do a part 2. It’s amazing when you’ve had relationships end, just how much you learn and know you could have done differently, isn’t it?

My sister and her new husband will be amazing. Hopefully she’ll always be giving amazing marriage advice in the future and never have to hand out the “keep your marriage from ending” advice like I get to.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing