Parenting Strong Willed Children

Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child

http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child

Have a strong-willed child? You're lucky! Strong willed children can be a challenge when they’re young, but if sensitively parented, they become terrific teens and young adults. Self-motivated and inner-directed, they go after what they want and are almost impervious to peer pressure. As long as parents resist the impulse to "break their will," strong-willed kids often become leaders.

What exactly is a strong-willed child? Some parents call them "difficult" or “stubborn,” but we could also see strong-willed kids as people of integrity who aren’t easily swayed from their own viewpoints. Strong-willed kids are spirited and courageous. They want to learn things for themselves rather than accepting what others say, so they test the limits over and over. They want desperately to be "in charge" of themselves, and will sometimes put their desire to "be right" above everything else. When their heart is set on something, their brains seem to have a hard time switching gears. Strong-willed kids have big, passionate feelings and live at full throttle.

Often, strong-willed kids are prone to power-struggles with their parents. However, it takes two to have a power struggle. You don't have to attend every argument to which you're invited! If you can take a deep breath when your buttons get pushed, and remind yourself that you can let your child save face and still get what you want, you can learn to sidestep those power struggles. (Don't let your four year old make you act like a four year old yourself!)

No one likes being told what to do, but strong-willed kids find it unbearable. Parents can avoid power struggles by helping the child feel understood even as the parent sets limits. Try empathizing, giving choices, and understanding that respect goes both ways. Looking for win/win solutions rather than just laying down the law keeps strong-willed children from becoming explosive and teaches them essential skills of negotiation and compromise.

Strong-willed kids aren't just being difficult. They feel their integrity is compromised if they're forced to submit to another person's will. If they're allowed to choose, they love to cooperate. If this bothers you because you think obedience is an important quality, I'd ask you to reconsider. Of course you want to raise a responsible, considerate, cooperative child who does the right thing, even when it's hard. But that doesn't imply obedience. That implies doing the right thing because you want to. Morality is doing what's right, no matter what you're told. Obedience is doing what you're told, no matter what's right.

So of course you want your child to do what you say. But not because he's obedient, meaning that he always does what someone bigger tells him to do. No, you want him to do what you say because he trusts YOU, because he's learned that even though you can't always say yes to what he wants, you have his best interests at heart. You want to raise a child who has self-discipline, takes responsibility, and is considerate -- and most important, has the discernment to figure out who to trust and when to be influenced by someone else.

Breaking a child's will leaves him open to the influence of others who often will not serve his highest interests. What's more, it's a betrayal of the spiritual contract we make as parents.

That said, strong-willed kids can be a handful -- high energy, challenging, persistent. How do we protect those fabulous qualities and encourage their cooperation?

Ten Tips for Positive Parenting

Your Strong-Willed, Spirited Child

1. Avoid power struggles by using routines and rules.

That way, you aren't the bad guy bossing them around, it’s just that:

"The rule is we use the potty after every meal and snack," or "The schedule is that lights-out is

at 8pm. If you hurry, we’ll have time for two books," or "In our house, we finish homework

before screen time."

2. Remember that strong-willed kids are experiential learners.

That means they have to see for themselves if the stove is hot. So unless you're worried about serious injury, it's more effective to let them learn through experience, instead of trying to control them. And you can expect your strong-willed child to test your limits repeatedly--that's how he learns. Once you know that, it's easier to stay calm, which avoids wear and tear on your relationship--and your nerves.

3. Your strong-willed child wants mastery more than anything.

Let her take charge of as many of her own activities as possible. Don’t nag at her to brush her teeth; ask “What else do you need to do before we leave?” If she looks blank, tick off the short list: “Every morning we eat, brush teeth, use the toilet, and pack the backpack. I saw you pack your backpack, that's terrific! Now, what do you still need to do before we leave?” Kids who feel more independent and in charge of themselves will have less need to be oppositional. Not to mention, they take responsibility early.

4. Give your strong-willed child choices.

If you give orders, he will almost certainly bristle. If you offer a choice, he feels like the master of his own destiny. Of course, only offer choices you can live with and don’t let yourself get resentful by handing away your power. If going to the store is non-negotiable and he wants to keep playing, an appropriate choice is:

"Do you want to leave now or in ten minutes? Okay, ten minutes with no fuss? Let's shake on it....And since it could be hard to stop playing in ten minutes, how can I help you then?"

5. Give her authority over her own body.

“I hear that you don’t want to wear your jacket today. I think it's cold and I am definitely

wearing a jacket. Of course, you are in charge of your own body, as long as you stay safe

and healthy, so you get to decide whether to wear a jacket. But I’m afraid that you will be

cold once we are outside, and I won’t want to come back to the house. How about I put your

jacket in the backpack, and then we’ll have it if you change your mind?”

She’s not going to get pneumonia, unless you push her into it by acting like you’ve won if she asks for the jacket. And once she won’t lose face by wearing her jacket, she’ll be begging for it once she gets cold. It’s just hard for her to imagine feeling cold when she’s so warm right now in the house, and a jacket seems like such a hassle. She's sure she's right -- her own body is telling her so -- so naturally she resists you. You don't want to undermine that self-confidence, just teach her that there's no shame in letting new information change her mind.

6. Don't push him into opposing you.

Force always creates "push-back" -- with humans of all ages. If you take a hard and fast position, you can easily push your child into defying you, just to prove a point. You'll know when it's a power struggle and you're invested in winning. Just stop, take a breath, and remind yourself that winning a battle with your child always sets you up to lose what’s most important: the relationship. When in doubt say "Ok, you can decide this for yourself." If he can't, then say what part of it he can decide, or find another way for him to meet his need for autonomy without compromising his health or safety.

7. Side-step power struggles by letting your child save face.

You don’t have to prove you’re right. You can, and should, set reasonable expectations and enforce them. But under no circumstances should you try to break your child’s will or force him to acquiesce to your views. He has to do what you want, but he's allowed to have his own opinions and feelings about it.

8. Listen to her.

You, as the adult, might reasonably presume you know best. But your strong-willed child has a strong will partly as a result of her integrity. She has a viewpoint that is making her hold fast to her position, and she is trying to protect something that seems important to her. Only by listening calmly to her and reflecting her words will you come to understand what’s making her oppose you. A non-judgmental “I hear that you don’t want to take a bath. Can you tell me more about why?” might just elicit the information that she’s afraid she’ll go down the drain, like Alice in the song. It may not seem like a good reason to you, but she has a reason. And you won’t find it out if you get into a clash and order her into the tub.

9. See it from his point of view.

For instance, he may be angry because you promised to wash his superman cape and then forgot. To you, he is being stubborn. To him, he is justifiably upset, and you are being hypocritical, because he is not allowed to break his promises to you, but you broke yours to him. How do you clear this up and move on? You apologize profusely for breaking your promise, you reassure him that you try very hard to keep your promises, and you go, together, to wash the cape. You might even teach him how to wash his own clothes so you're not in this position in the future and he's empowered. Just consider how would you want to be treated, and treat him accordingly.

10. Discipline through the relationship, never through punishment.

Kids don’t learn when they’re in the middle of a fight. Like all of us, that’s when adrenaline is pumping and learning shuts off. Kids behave because they want to please us. The more you fight with and punish your child, the more you undermine her desire to please you. If she's upset, help her express her hurt, fear or disappointment, so they evaporate. Then she'll be ready to listen to you when you remind her that in your house, everyone speaks kindly to each other. (Of course, you have to model that. Your child won't always do what you say, but she will always, eventually, do what you do.)

11. Offer him respect and empathy.

Most strong-willed children are fighting for respect. If you offer it to them, they don’t need to fight to protect their position. And, like the rest of us, it helps a lot if they feel understood. If you see his point of view and think he's wrong -- for instance, he wants to wear the superman cape to church and you think that's inappropriate -- you can still offer him empathy and meet him part way while you set the limit.

"You love this cape and wish you could wear it, don't you? But when we go to services we

dress up to sow respect, so we can't wear the cape. I know you'll miss wearing it. How

about we take it with us so you can wear it on our way home?"

Does this sound like Permissive Parenting? It isn't. You set limits. There's just never any reason to be mean about it!

Here's why Permissive Parenting sabotages your child.

Need more ideas about

How to put Positive Parenting to work with your Strong-Willed Child?

Creating a Space of Safety and Refuge for Today's Homeless Youth

https://www.facebook.com/HQGrandRapids?pnref=story

HQ contains open welcoming spaces, food, showers, laundry, computer labs, conference and consulting areas to introduce street kids from as young as 7 and 8 to early 20s to area youth resources and help facilities for runaway and homeless youth. HQ's drop-in center is located on the NE corner behind St. Mary's Hospital (kiddy-korner across the intersection) and east of the Cherry Street Medical offices. Initial hours of operation will be from 3-6 pm as HQ ramps up with staff and volunteer helpers. Intentions will be to provide temporary bedding, education, and placement services with area social agencies.

"Since no one wants these kids, we do.... These are our kids now."

                                                                   - HQ Motto

Mars Hill | HQ Runaway and Homeless Youth Drop-in Center

Grand Rapids, MI

http://www.mlive.com/business/west-michigan/index.ssf/2014/11/new_drop-in_center_for_runaway.html

By Jim Harger | jharger@mlive.com

on November 10, 2014 at 6:30 AM, updated November 10, 2014 at 1:56 PM

GRAND RAPIDS, MI – Shandra Steininger isn’t sure how many teenagers and young people will use HQ, the area’s first drop-in center for runaway and homeless youth between downtown and the Heritage Hill neighborhood.

But the director of the new program at 320 State St. SE is confident they will be busy when the doors open later this month. About 40 percent of all homeless persons are minors under age 18, Steininger said.

“We want this to be a safe place where kids want to be and can truly be who they are,” Steininger said Friday, Nov. 7, as carpenters completed their work and movers installed furniture in the 93-year-old brick building on the eastern edge of downtown.

Before they open the doors, the sponsors of HQ are planning an open house for the community and its neighbors from 7:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. on Friday, Nov 14. A ribbon cutting ceremony with representatives from the Chamber of Commerce will be at 1 p.m.

HQ was created by Mars Hill Bible Church in partnership with Arbor Circle, a social service agency that operates The Bridge, a shelter for kids and teenagers aged 10-17. The new drop-in center will be open from 3:30 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. on weekdays.

The new center, which will operate independently as its own nonprofit agency, is aimed at serving an estimated 2,000 teenagers and young persons who experience homelessness in the Grand Rapids area each year.

“Every night in Grand Rapids, 200 youth don’t have a safe place to sleep,” said Andy Soper, Director of Mobilization at Mars Hill Bible Church and Founder of the Manasseh Project, a shelter for minor victims of human trafficking.

“Right now, we know these kids are slipping through the cracks,” Soper said in a statement. “HQ will provide a transformative space and connect these youth who are experiencing the crisis of homelessness to the services they need.”

Although the center was created with more than $600,000 in gifts from Mars Hill Bible Church, Steininger said visitors will not be required to attend worship services nor will they be proselytized.

After checking in, visitors will have an opportunity to make a sandwich, charge up their cell phones, do laundry and take a shower. The center also includes rooms for counseling, computer access and job-finding tools.

Steininger said the staff will attempt to plug its visitors into existing services rather than develop new programs. Hence, Arbor Circle will have staff on hand to offer help if it requested.

Which services, if any, the kids use will be up to them, Steininger said. “We’re going to help them move from a state of crisis. We’re going to meet them where they’re at.”

Some teenagers who have been victims of abuse may be distrustful, Steininger said. “I imagine some people will walk in and won’t trust us – and that’s a healthy response.” She also expects to welcome LGBT teens who make up about 40 percent of all homeless youth.

"HQ's unique philosophy of empowering youth as the experts in their own lives creates a space where they want to be connected and where the entire community can truly come together to support them in their struggles, successes and everything in between,” she said.

HQ was intentionally located several blocks away from other missions and shelters that serve older adults, where young people don't feel as safe, Steininger said. But it is near several bus lines so that kids from suburban communities can use the facility, too.

The single-story brick and cement block building was last used as a call center by Mercy Health Saint Mary's. It was originally built in 1921 by Paul Nissen Corp., a distributor of automotive shock absorbers. The building served as the home of Central Auto Glass and Mirror Co. in the 1960s.

Contact Link -
https://www.facebook.com/HQGrandRapids?pnref=story

HQ - Square Foot Campaign from HQGR on Vimeo.

Barna Group: Why Do Some Millennials Stay Connected to Church?

 

5 Reasons Millennials Stay Connected to Church
https://www.barna.org/barna-update/millennials/635-5-reasons-millennials-stay-connected-to-church#.UkTwGU_D-9J

by Barna Group
September 17, 2013

September 17, 2013 – Everyone has an opinion about why Millennials are leaving the church. It's a controversial topic, one that Barna Group's researchers have been examining for a decade.

 

The topic was reignited this summer when blogger and author Rachel Held Evans wrote a piece about why Millennials leave church. Her editorial struck a nerve, sparking response pieces all across the web and generating more than 100,000 social media reactions in the first week alone.

 

Yet whatever one’s personal view of the reasons behind Millennials staying or going, one thing is clear: the relationship between Millennials and the Church is shifting. Barna Group’s researchers have been examining Millennials’ faith development since the generation was in its teen years—that is, for about a decade. During that time, the firm has conducted 27,140 interviews with members of the Millennial generation in more than 200 studies.

 

And while Barna Group’s research has previously highlighted what’s not working to keep Millennials at church, the research also illuminates what is working—and what churches can do to engage these young adults.

 

The Harsh Realities of Millennial Faith

 

But first, the concerns of Millennials leaving the Church must be understood.

 

Parents and leaders have long been concerned about the faith development of the generation born between 1984 and 2002—and for good reason. First, Barna research shows nearly six in ten (59%) of these young people who grow up in Christian churches end up walking away from either their faith or from the institutional church at some point in their first decade of adult life. Second, the unchurched segment among Millennials has increased in the last decade, from 44% to 52%, mirroring a larger cultural trend away from churchgoing among the nation’s population.

 

Third, when asked what has helped their faith grow, “church” does not make even the top 10 factors. Instead, the most common drivers of spiritual growth, as identified by Millennials themselves, are prayer, family and friends, the Bible, having children, and their relationship with Jesus.

 

Culture: Acceleration and Complexity

 

Still, not all is doom and gloom when it comes to faith among Millennials. In contrast to the widespread religious disillusionment marked among so many of their peers, millions of Christian Millennials remain deeply committed and active in their faith.

 

About one-quarter of 18- to 29-year-olds are practicing Christians, meaning they attend church at least once a month and strongly affirm that their religious faith is very important in their life. A majority of Millennials claim to pray each week, one-quarter say they’ve read the Bible or attended a religious small group this week, and one in seven have volunteered at a church in the past seven days.

 

These spiritual practices are notable, says David Kinnaman, president of Barna Group, because the broader cultural trends have not been particularly friendly to faith.

 

“Millennials are rethinking most of the institutions that arbitrate life, from marriage and media, to government and church,” says Kinnaman, the author of You Lost Me and unChristian who has spent the last 20 months speaking nationally about the challenges facing today’s Millennials. “They have grown up in a culture and among peers who are often neutral or resistant to the gospel. And life feels accelerated compared with 15 years ago—the ubiquity of information makes it harder for many to find meaning in institutions that feel out of step with the times. Millennials often describe church, for instance, as ‘not relevant’ or say that attending worship services ‘feels like a boring duty.’

 

“Furthermore, many young Americans say life seems complicated—that it’s hard to know how to live with the onslaught of information, worldviews and options they are faced with every day. One of the specific criticisms young adults frequently make about Christianity is that it does not offer deep, thoughtful or challenging answers to life in a complex culture.”

 

But this criticism is also a sign of hope, Kinnaman suggests, since it means Millennials are craving depth—a need the Church is uniquely poised to meet. In this respect, the research points to five ways faith communities can build deeper, more lasting connections with Millennials.

 

1.    Make room for meaningful relationships.

 

The first factor that will engage Millennials at church is as simple as it is integral: relationships. When comparing twentysomethings who remained active in their faith beyond high school and twentysomethings who dropped out of church, the Barna study uncovered a significant difference between the two. Those who stay were twice as likely to have a close personal friendship with an adult inside the church (59% of those who stayed report such a friendship versus 31% among those who are no longer active). The same pattern is evident among more intentional relationships such as mentoring—28% of Millennials who stay had an adult mentor at the church other than their pastor, compared to 11% of dropouts who say the same.

 

Kinnaman is quick to point out the limitations of such a study: “It’s important for anyone who uses research to realize correlation does not equal causation.

 

“Yet, among those who remain active, this much is clear: the most positive church experiences among Millennials are relational. This stands true from the inverse angle as well: Seven out of 10 Millennials who dropped out of church did not have a close friendship with an adult and nearly nine out of ten never had a mentor at the church.

 

“The implication is that huge proportions of churchgoing teenagers do not feel relationally accepted in church. This kind of information should be a wake-up call to ministry leaders as well as to churched adults of the necessity of becoming friends with the next generation of believers.”

 

 

2.    Teach cultural discernment.

 

A second important ministry outcome for today’s Millennials is helping them develop discernment skills—especially in understanding and interpreting today’s culture. For example, active Millennial Christians are more than twice as likely to say they “learned about how Christians can positively contribute to society” compared to those who drop out (46% versus 20%). Actives are also nearly four times more likely to say they “better understand my purpose in life through church” (45% versus 12%).

 

For a generation that already laments the complexity of modern life, the Church can offer valuable clarity. Millennials need help learning how to apply their hearts and minds to today’s cultural realities. In many ways, pop culture has become the driver of religion for Millennials, so helping them think and respond rightly to culture should be a priority.

 

Although, such development must also take care to avoid the overprotective impulses that are driven by fear of culture. Rather, Millennials need guidance on engaging culture meaningfully, and from a distinctly Christian perspective. This idea of finding a way to bring their faith in Jesus to the problems they encounter in the world seems to be one of the most powerful motivations of today’s practicing Christian Millennials. They don’t want their faith to be relegated to Sunday worship, and this desire for holistic faith is something the Church can speak to in a meaningful way.

 

 

3.    Make reverse mentoring a priority.

 

A third thing Barna Group’s team has learned about effective ministry to Millennials is that young people want to be taken seriously today—not for some distant future leadership position. In their eyes, institutional church life is too hierarchical. And they’re not interested in earning their way to the top so much as they’re want to put their gifts and skills to work for the local church in the present—not future—tense.

 

The term “reverse mentoring” has come to describe this kind of give and take between young and established leaders. Kinnaman says, “Effective ministry to Millennials means helping these young believers discover their own mission in the world, not merely asking them to wait their turn. One way to think about this generation is that they are exiles in something like a ‘digital Babylon’—an immersive, interactive, image-rich environment in which many older believers feel foreign and lost. The truth is, the Church needs the next generation’s help to navigate these digital terrains.”

 

The research shows few churches help young people discover a sense of mission, though this too is important in cultivating a faith that lasts. Millennials who remain active in church are twice as likely as dropouts to say they served the poor through their church (33% versus 14%). They are also more likely to say they went on a trip that helped expand their thinking (29% versus 16%) and more likely to indicate they had found a cause or issue at church that motivates them (24% versus 10%).

 

4.    Embrace the potency of vocational discipleship.

 

A fourth way churches can deepen their connection with Millennials is to teach a more potent theology of vocation, or calling. Millennials who have remained active are three times more likely than dropouts to say they learned to view their gifts and passions as part of God’s calling (45% versus 17%). They are four times more likely to have learned at church “how the Bible applies to my field or career interests” (29% versus 7%). A similar gap exists when it came to receiving helpful input from a pastor about education (21% versus 5%), though going so far as offering a scholarship (5% versus 2%) was not particularly widespread.

 

“Most churches seem to leave this kind of vocation-based outcome largely at the door,” comments Kinnaman, “unless these students show interest in traditional church-based ministry.” But what Millennials are seeking goes beyond this. Kinnaman calls it “vocational discipleship,” a way to help Millennials connect to the rich history of Christianity with their own unique work God has called them to.

 

5.    Facilitate connection with Jesus.

 

Finally, more than a mere community club helping youth cross the threshold of adulthood, church communities can help Millennials generate a lasting faith by facilitating a deeper sense of intimacy with God. For example, Millennials who remain active are more likely than those who dropped out to say they believe Jesus speaks to them personally in a way that is real and relevant (68% versus 25%). Additionally, actives are much more likely to believe the Bible contains wisdom for living a meaningful life (65% versus 17%).

 

“This means Millennials who retain a longer-lasting faith than their peers are more likely to find a sense of authority in the Word of God—both in the pages of the Bible as well as in their experience of intimacy with the God they follow,” Kinnaman says.

 

Of course, many church leaders are already trying to connect biblical authority to a personal relationship with Jesus for their young people. So what is happening to thwart these efforts?

 

Kinnaman explains, “In part, it is a failure of not connecting Jesus and the Bible to the other outcomes identified in this research—relational, missional, vocational and cultural discernment. In other words, the version of ‘Jesus in a vacuum’ that is often packaged for young people doesn’t last long compared to faith in Christ that is not compartmentalized but wholly integrated into all areas of life.”

 

 

A Handful of Caveats

 

There are several caveats that come with this kind of research, Kinnaman points out. “First, as Millennials are quick to say themselves, life is complicated—there are many significant influences at work in their lives today. These five principles are certainly not an exhaustive list, but it does reflect some of the things our team has learned so far.

 

“Second, parents as well as church and organizational leaders should be open to learning all they can about Millennials in order to maximize their efforts to spiritually engage them. However, they should take care not to idolize this emerging generation and in so doing create a form of age-ism. Millennials should be a priority not because ‘youth must be served,’ but because this generation is trying to learn faithfulness in a rapidly changing post-Christian culture. Millennials need the help of faithful believers from older generations if they are to make sense of it all and move meaningfully forward in their life and faith.”

 

Future Research

 

The Barna team is hard at work exploring additional aspects of Millennials’ life, faith and experience. This includes studies on architecture, the Bible, spiritual practices, liturgy, social justice, youth ministry and more. If you are interested in staying informed about this future research, you can subscribe here.

 

If your organization is interested in commissioning customized research among the Millennials you serve—or even a national poll of Millennials—ask us how we can help.

 

As part of this larger Barna Millennial Project, a limited number of churches can join Barna Labs—a nine-month training and evaluation program to help youth and young adult leaders know their people and their impact. Learn more here.

 

 

 

About the Study

 

This article is based on research conducted for the Faith That Lasts Project, much of which took place between 2007 and 2012. The research included a series of national public opinion surveys conducted by Barna Group.

 

In addition to extensive quantitative interviewing with adults and faith leaders nationwide, the main research examination for the study was conducted with 18- to 29-year-olds who had been active in a Christian church at some point in their teen years. The quantitative study among 18- to 29-year-olds was conducted online and via telephone with 1,296 current and former churchgoers. The Faith That Lasts research also included parallel testing on key measures using telephone surveys, including interviews conducted among respondents using cell phones, to help ensure the representativeness of the online sample. The sampling error associated with 1,296 interviews is plus or minus 2.7 percentage points, at the 95% confidence level.

 

More can be found about Millennials in the book You Lost Me and the companion DVD.

 

American Bible Society commissioned the data under point five related to the Bible.

 

About Barna Group

 

Barna Group (which includes its research division, the Barna Research Group) is a private, non-partisan, for-profit organization under the umbrella of the Issachar Companies. Located in Ventura, California, Barna Group has been conducting and analyzing primary research to understand cultural trends related to values, beliefs, attitudes and behaviors since 1984.

 

If you would like to receive free e-mail notification of the release of each update on the latest research findings from Barna Group, you may subscribe to this free service at the Barna website (www.barna.org). Additional research-based resources are also available through this website.

 

© Barna Group, 2013

 

 

 

Barna 2011 Survey - Pimary Reasons Young Adults Leave the Church

Barna Survey on Young Adults Leaving the Church

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/peterenns/2011/12/barna-survey-on-young-adults-leaving-the-church/

by Peter Enns

posted December 23, 2011

Have you seen the 2011 Barna survey on American Christianity? Below are the six primary reasons why young adults leave the church.

With Christmas upon us, I may have to hold off on making some comments (though I have highlighted some things that struck me). All of these reasons resonate with me on some level as I have interacted with college students over the years. The question is, how should these issues be addressed?

I have written a fair amount on #s 3 and 6–the latter in blog posts and the former in blog posts and my upcoming book, The Evolution of Adam, where I try to address this very problem.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Reason #1 – Churches seem overprotective.

A few of the defining characteristics of today’s teens and young adults are their unprecedented access to ideas and worldviews as well as their prodigious consumption of popular culture. As Christians, they express the desire for their faith in Christ to connect to the world they live in. However, much of their experience of Christianity feels stifling, fear-based and risk-averse:

• One-quarter of 18- to 29-year-olds said “Christians demonize everything outside of the church” (23% indicated this “completely” or “mostly” describes their experience)
• Other perceptions in this category include “church ignoring the problems of the real world” (22%)
• “My church is too concerned that movies, music, and video games are harmful” (18%)

Reason #2 – Teens’ and twenty-somethings’ experience of Christianity is shallow.

A second reason that young people depart church as young adults is that something is lacking in their experience of church.

• One-third said “church is boring” (31%)
• One-quarter of these young adults said that “faith is not relevant to my career or interests” (24%)
• Or that “the Bible is not taught clearly or often enough” (23%)
• Sadly, one-fifth of these young adults who attended a church as a teenager said that “God seems missing from my experience of church” (20%).

Reason #3 – Churches come across as antagonistic to science.

One of the reasons young adults feel disconnected from church or from faith is the tension they feel between Christianity and science. The most common of the perceptions in this arena is “Christians are too confident they know all the answers” (35%).

• Three out of ten young adults with a Christian background feel that “churches are out of step with the scientific world we live in” (29%).
• Another one-quarter embrace the perception that “Christianity is anti-science” (25%).
• And nearly the same proportion (23%) said they have “been turned off by the creation-versus-evolution debate.”
• Furthermore, the research shows that many science-minded young Christians are struggling to find ways of staying faithful to their beliefs and to their professional calling in science-related industries.

Reason #4 – Young Christians’ church experiences related to sexuality are often simplistic, judgmental.

With unfettered access to digital pornography and immersed in a culture that values hyper-sexuality over wholeness, teen and twentysometing Christians are struggling with how to live meaningful lives in terms of sex and sexuality. One of the significant tensions for many young believers is how to live up to the church’s expectations of chastity and sexual purity in this culture, especially as the age of first marriage is now commonly delayed to the late twenties. Research indicates that most young Christians are as sexually active as their non-Christian peers, even though they are more conservative in their attitudes about sexuality. One-sixth of young Christians (17%) said they “have made mistakes and feel judged in church because of them.” The issue of sexuality is particularly salient among 18- to 29-year-old Catholics, among whom two out of five (40%) said the church’s “teachings on sexuality and birth control are out of date.”

Reason #5 – They wrestle with the exclusive nature of Christianity.

Younger Americans have been shaped by a culture that esteems open-mindedness, tolerance and acceptance. Today’s youth and young adults also are the most eclectic generation in American history in terms of race, ethnicity, sexuality, religion, technological tools and sources of authority. Most young adults want to find areas of common ground with each other, sometimes even if that means glossing over real differences.

• Three out of ten young Christians (29%) said “churches are afraid of the beliefs of other faiths” and,
• An identical proportion felt they are “forced to choose between my faith and my friends.”
• One-fifth of young adults with a Christian background said “church is like a country club, only for insiders” (22%).

Reason #6 – The church feels unfriendly to those who doubt.

Young adults with Christian experience say the church is not a place that allows them to express doubts. They do not feel safe admitting that sometimes Christianity does not make sense. In addition, many feel that the church’s response to doubt is trivial. Some of the perceptions in this regard include not being able “to ask my most pressing life questions in church” (36%), and having “significant intellectual doubts about my faith” (23%). In a related theme of how churches struggle to help young adults who feel marginalized, about one out of every six young adults with a Christian background said their faith “does not help with depression or other emotional problems” they experience (18%).

KKSM Konnect Skateboard Ministry

http://www.kksm.org/konnect/

Reliance & Siren Testimonies

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UOGutE5oTw&feature=player_embedded#!

Youth Ministry Reframed

http://www.patheos.com/community/jesuscreed/2011/05/30/youth-ministry-reframed/#more-17151

 

Scot McKnight

May 30, 2011

 

My travels around the USA give me opportunity to talk to lots of youth pastors, and something is changing. What is changing is that the same-old isn’t working as well, and youth pastors know they are the threshold of news ways for new days. What is perhaps most exciting to me is a desire for a more theological and biblical approach as these youth pastors are turning away from programs that are neither adaptable nor theological enough.

 

One of the youth pastors creating a new paradigm is Chris Folmsbee, and his new book is an exceptional example of what is happening: Story, Signs, and Sacred Rhythms: A Narrative Approach to Youth Ministry.

 

What are the major themes shaping youth ministry theology today? What are you seeing? Are you seeing any narrative approaches to youth ministry? Any missional approaches?

Before I go any farther, an observation: an increasing number of youth pastors see that instead of saving kids from secular culture or instead of protecting Christian children from the world, there is a desire to prepare them to think critically and to engage holistically in the culture. In other words, to use the words of Gabe Lyons, many youth pastors are intent on preparing young adults to be restorers.

Chris begins his book by sketching youth pastor/youth ministry discontents, including a need for a fresh approach, no more “plug and play,” no more isolated deconstruction, a desire to help students learn through discovery, a recognition of unique context (instead of one size fits all), a yearning for a solid model that has flexibility, and a desire to have a wiki-approach — to find the gems in each set of proposals to fashion their own.

What you will find in Chris Folmsbee’s book is no program; nor is it a set of what-tos or how-tos. Instead this is a narrative approach to the Bible’s Story, a story that shapes both identity and practices. In other words, this book is a Story-ified approach to reading the Bible for youth pastors so they can adapt and adopt this approach in their local context.

The book moves through five layers: revelation in Story, foundation in theology, implication in identity and calling, integration into a way of life, and application into behaviors and expressions. I told Chris this once over lunch: if youth pastors are thinking like him, we are in great shape. Doing biblical theology through the lens of Story and letting that story shape our Identity so that our behaviors are transformed … just love it. The book is theologically alert and filled with graphics and ideas that will give every youth pastor plenty of suggestions … suggestions that can be adaptable to local contexts.

Yes, Chris and I, along with Syler Thomas, co-wrote The Jesus Creed for Students: Loving God, Loving Others.